Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.

Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale
and clear.

Fault : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.

Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.

Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.

Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar swaying.

Fault : Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom : Bar moving.

Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.

Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and

Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time – if not treat
yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.

Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC !!!!!

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