Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear–
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang O Holy Night to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
bout folks wed send cards to whod sent none to us;
Those ingrates, she thundered, and pounded her fist;
Next year you can bet theyll be crossed off our list!

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, Whos there?
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, Im Santa! I bring you no malice!
Said I, if youre Santa, Im Telly Savalas!

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, I think hes ok.

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.

Youll note Ive arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.

To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.

Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldnt afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves.

And then, later on, came additional trouble–
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a no avalanche clause.

And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.

And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.

My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why Im glowing tonight,
its from flying too close to a nuclear site.

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldnt help notice a tear in his eye;
Ive tried, he declared, to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today Ive become obsolete.

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
no longer can I do the job thats required;
if anyone asks, just say, Santas retired!.