The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.



Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!



Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.



Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. Ive seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Lotus and a Boat).



No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Sh&%.