Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a platonic kiss is, but could you
explain to me the difference between the following kisses?

Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss

Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

Thats a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed
to the classics in this field any more. Ill try to make a brief but clear
summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss —
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss —
a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss —
the important thing about this type of kiss is
that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
representation we associate with the experience of the kiss–
which
must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss —
a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
leaves you unable to decide whether youve been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list–here are just a few other
classic kisses:

Socratic kiss —
actually really a Platonic kiss, but its claimed to be
the Socratic technique so itll sound more authoritative; however,
compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss —
a kiss that, eschewing inferior phenomenal contact, is
performed entirely on the superior noumenal plane; though you dont
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
the best kiss youve ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss —
a kiss that starts out feeling like its about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss —
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
though it really doesnt matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss —
a formal kiss in which each lip and
tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss —
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss —
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
that others would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss —
A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
I think, therefore, I aim. In general, a kiss does not count as
Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss —
a hard-to-define kiss–the more it moves you, the
less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme
versions of this type of kiss are known as virtual kisses because
the level of uncertainty is so high that youre not quite sure if
you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
them.

Nietzscheian kiss —
she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
stronger.

Epimenidian kiss —
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss —
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
would not kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss —
shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss —
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
actually touch.

Procrustean kiss —
well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
that, once youve experienced it, youll never forget it,
especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
lips.

Doctor Rude

The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
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