When I went to college in the 1980s, I heard a lot of words like data input and beta version. They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that Ive worked in a computer company for the last few years, Ive gained an insiders perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for doesnt work.

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before its released. Beta is Latin for still doesnt work.

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger Duffy Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the Incompatible File Format error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitlers death; Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computers engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel thats powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if its a 386 & a ferret on speed if its a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the programs shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmers feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create user-friendly software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date & subtracting six months.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate People who dont know how to fix their computer after theyve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users People who break other peoples computers.