High school students demand wars in easier-to-find countries

How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?, they ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places theyve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

People claim we dont know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but its so not our fault, Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but were supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.

Macedonia, corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

See? said Beldoni.

Beldonis frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to, said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. Cant we fight in, like, Italy? Its boot-shaped.

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

OK, what about Arulco? interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. Thats a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. Im totally familiar with that place. Shes a major threat.

Jagged … ? said Levin.

Alliance. Its a computer game.

Well, no, Levin answered. We cant attack a fictional country.

Yeah right, Boone mumbled. Like Grenada was real.

The students testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for Americas young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still dont know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio, said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.

Ive always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.), said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. Oh shit, is my microphone on?

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nations capital, but forgot which city it was in.

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