Homer Simpson Laugh-Lines!

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose … its how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying youre never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Cant he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now whos being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: Thats because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ***** Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Barts a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is. ***** Operator! Give me the number for 911! ***** Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him Im going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I wont be back for ten minutes! ***** Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why youre here? Homers brain: Dont say revenge. Dont say revenge. Homer: Ummm… revenge? Homers brain: Okay, thats it. Im outta here. (step step step step step…slam) ***** Homer: Okay, brain. You dont like me, and I dont like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homers Brain: Its a deal! ***** Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ***** Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and youd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ***** Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, thats bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: Thats bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate… Homer: (confused look) Old man: Thats bad. Homer: Can I go now? ***** Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say youre prejudiced against all races. ***** Homers brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homers brain: Okay, dont use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ***** Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy. ***** Marge: Homer, did you call the audience Chicken? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: Thats not a bible. Thats a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy. ***** Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the cars okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ***** Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat… ***** (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ***** Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.

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