How To Be A Man!

1. Dont call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like Spike.

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isnt your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, dont ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like Wha. . . ?

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Dont have a clue.

14. If you dont get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, Dont worry. If you dont have an orgasm, you wont get pregnant.

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend its not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?

Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted Door Spot and other will worship you.

31. If youre on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, its good to say, God, I was such a pimp back then.

33. Heres a good trick. Tell a girl that youre going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dads room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If youre ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You wont be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY dont want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesnt work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you dont know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say See???? I told you I couldnt do it. Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to pussy music like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

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