28
Oct

How to Hunt Lions

Mathematicians hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion
and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will
attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before
proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the
detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

Quantum Mechanics Scientists spend their time trying to ascertain whether
a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to
design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small
amounts of radioactive substances and glass vials of toxic vapour
(Schrodingers Lion).

Logicians dont hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the
existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves
that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

Computer Programmers hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

Go to South Africa
Start at the Cape of Good Hope
Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west
During each traverse

a) catch all observed animals

b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion

c) stop when a match is detected

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. Assembly language
programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware Engineers hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and
stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously
observed Lions. (Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!)

Economists dont hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough
they will hunt themselves.

Politicians hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as
an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

Protection Racketeers hunt Lions by making them an offer they cant
refuse.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

Consultants dont hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all,
but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations
Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and
bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone
else will only identify the Lion.

Senior Management set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the assumption
that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

Salespeople dont hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions
they havent caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine Coon kittens, paint
them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

Quality Assurance Inspectors ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the
others made when they were parking the jeep.

Cat Fanciers
Dont hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding
strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact
that Lions dont fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a
5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists
argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White
Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed
Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertisements which claim
that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there
are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be
bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive
Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through
outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions
(LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions,
Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions.
Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly
recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding
stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and
show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo
Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

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