(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I dont have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors…

– E. DAzevedo Computer Science 372

If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

Lets make ethanol green this afternoon.
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

What Ive done, of course, is total garbage.
– R. Willard Pure Math 430a

The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?
– M. Devine Computer Science 340

Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
– D. Taylor Computer Science 350

This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldnt remember the proof.
– Baker Pure Math 351a

Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette.
– P. Buhr Computer Science 354

Every prof blows this. Were all going to get AIDS or something.
– J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

You cant drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up.
– Forbes Math Elective 102

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesnt dim the lights when you turn it on.
– Hepler Systems Design 182

You have to regard everything I say with suspicion – I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
– J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
– M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

Well call it S for cyclic.
– Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it.
– F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

All that was meant to bore you shitless.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
arent even any property taxes.
– J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and P on it, right?
– J. Baker Mathematics 234b

Thats an engineer on his work term. Hes sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again…Hell do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter.
– J. MacKay Statistics 332

What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?
Take out a loan.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234