In The News – Edited Excerpts from the LA Times

Includes one Leno quote

WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, horses, Yugo drivers

Congratulations to 17 year old Kim Rhode of El Monte, California, for winning the gold medal in trap shooting. You dont go to school in the LA area without learning to be a good shot. (Leno)

Turkeys tiny Nalm Suleymanoglu, the man they call the Pocket Hercules, won his third gold in weightlifting. He has a brother whos an accountant, called the Pocket Calculator.

Just to give you an idea of how cramped and tight things are in Atlanta, athletes are complaining they cant get around the Olympic Village, cant get around Atlanta, cant get around drug testing…

Childrens TV producers have a meeting at the White House on Monday, which seems rather fitting – the 1996 election looks like Sesame Street and we have to choose between Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch.

The GOP is buying time on the Family Channel and USA Network to broadcast an unfiltered version of its convention straight from the horses mouth. Funny, I would have thought it would come from the other end of the horse …

Shortly after admitting he wrote Primary Colors, journalist Joe Klein got carried away – he now claims he is Deep Throat, he killed Jimmy Hoffa and that he sang lead on those Milli Vanilli albums.

After the Lakers signed Shaquille ONeal to a $120 million contract, they doubled their ticket prices. I guess theres no such a thing as a free throw in this town. Thank goodness this was offset by that minimum wage hike …

This month is the 50th anniversary of atomic bomb testing on Bikini Atoll. The islands flag is a field of blue with 50 itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dots.

Mobil Corporation will stop calling its Hefty trash bags biodegradable because they dont break down fast enough. In order to do that, they would need to be made out of the same stuff they use to make a Yugo.

And finally, production has begun on Free Willy 3. Producers werent able to get the original whale – hes afraid of being typecast.