11
May

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal

(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then its only a small step to the rest! For example:

As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

Youve relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and dont forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

Youve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing but terrorists in diapers? Lets drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

Santa would have to FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. Hed get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East. and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so hed probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawkings book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light, time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And dont say you cant go faster than the speed of light because Ive seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesnt have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and thats good enough for me. So Santa could go faster than the speed of light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. Yech!

Aha, you say. Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer. Where does he get the power to move that fast?
-You- calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer dont evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar arrays panels.

If thats not enough, wathc the news on the 24th at 11 oclock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in its name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and Ive seen radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They havent bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

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