Its chemical

April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic
number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is
present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a
very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less
than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which
time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic
mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his
papers into the intake hatch of the universitys particle accelerator.
Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with
the particles in the accelerator created the new element. Dr. Langour

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses,
near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

[Ed: By Thomas Kyle of M.I.T.]

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