Responding to a woman who accidentally walked into a mens toilet:

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the toilet, start to piss, and then just start spinning around just so I make sure I hit something.
You see something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a toilet stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. Im telling you those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. Im required to sit down and piss. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss-soaked seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now theres another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but since you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding.

Its the dreaded morning wood. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to piss and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend and if it wont bend you cant aim. Well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and the damn fuzzy toilet seat cover that you women insist on putting on the toilet.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youre newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with the damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your willie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, Look, it wont bend.
She said, So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.

OK, I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well, its very hard to get it bent under the seat and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the seat, when you start to pee it shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision, but its the only sure way to get all the piss in the bowl during the first morning session.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault; its Mother Nature. Now if it were Father Nature, there wouldnt have been a problem.