30
Apr

Lesser-Known Programming Languages

PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL — These programming languages are well known
and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still
have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about
these obscure languages — and why they are obscure — we present the
following catalog:

SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you cant make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an S in its character set; users must substitute TH. LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.

SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern Californias San
Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and YNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include
the California Booleans, FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are
handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program.

LIKE,YNOW (IMEAN) START

IF

A=LIKE BITCHEN AND

B=LIKE TUBULAR AND

C=LIKE GRODY**M4

(FERSURE)**2

THEN

FOR I=LIKE1 TO OH MAYBE 100

DO WAH + (DITTY**2)

BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)

SURE

LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM

REALLY

LIKE TOTALLY(YNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

LAIDBACK
Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which
was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message: SORRY, MAN, I CANT DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
no fun at parties.

FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.

C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a low-level programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.

DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO
commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature
of DOGO is puppy graphics, a small cocker spaniel that occasionally
leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.

FOCUSALL
A language designed to run on small DEC machines with
minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for
loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which
the user is greeted with the message:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL!

The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only
valid command is:

LOAD FOCUSALL

which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper
tape. The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a
command with a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line
for later execution as in the following example:

10 LOAD FOCUSALL

20 LOAD FOCUSALL

…ETC…

PINBOL
PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its
program run. Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message
GAME OVER. INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN is displayed. Some allowable
PINBOL instructions and their meanings are:

LEFT FLIPPER Illogical Left Shift

RIGHT FLIPPER Illogical Right Shift

SHOOT Try to Run

PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent
PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.

FASTBOL
Commonly known as QUICKIE. Error messages include
COMPUTUS INTERRUPTUS. A closely related language is NOONER.

GERITOL
This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent
users. Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and
conclude with the I USED TO KNOW THAT condition code. Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.

LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness, and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an
alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and non-threatening language, since all error messages are in
lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with
the message:

i hate to bother you, but i just cant relate to that.
can you find the time to try it again?

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