I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was –

Youll never find anyone like me again!

Im thinking, I should hope not! If I dont want you, why would I want someone like you?

Relationships are hard. Its like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Dont eat pork. Im sorry, what was that last one?? Dont eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I voted for the Democrats because I didnt like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

I dont know whats wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I had a linguistics professor who said that its mans ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think theres one other thing that separates us from animals. We arent afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if youve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here!