About Mad in Finland
The following is by no means representative of Finnish English. The kind of
English used by Finns is usually, by European standards, low on errors. In fact,
Finns are only too aware of making mistakes. However, certain pronunciation
problems can be identified as rather Finnish. So sit back, relax and see if you
can spot the problem areas.

Mad in Finland

Matti: Hello Aijan.

Ian: Oh. Hello Matti.

Matti: Have you been waiting long?

Ian: No. I just got in from Hungary.

Matti: Oh really. Would you like a PISS?

Ian: Pardon?

Matti: A PISS of my chocolate?

Ian: Ah! Hungary – not hungry.

Matti: Aah! Youre not hungry!

Ian: Right.

Matti: Anyway, Im sorry Im late, but I had my testis taken at the hospital.

Ian: Youre testis?

Matti: Yes.

Ian: (Shocked) Er… Did it hurt?

Matti: Oh no. You know, only a little prick.

Ian: What? Oh – You had some tests taken!

Matti: As I said.

Ian: Well, how are things with Osmo?

Matti: Not so good. He has become a bit of a fakki idiootti – You know – a FACKY IDIOT Dont you say that in English?

Ian: I suppose we could. Why not?

Matti: Yes, well, what can you expect. AIDS always has that effect on people.

Ian: AIDS!

Matti: Yes. It come to us all you know. Anyway, Im happy with my AIDS, arent you?

Ian: Oh – age!

Matti: Thats right – AIDS. I mean its not a CATASTROPH to be forty, is it!

Ian: A what?

Matti: A catastroph!

Ian: Ah, you mean catastrophe!

Matti: Yes. Thats what I said, AIJAN! OK. Shall we LIVE together?

Ian: I beg your pardon?

Matti: Would you like to LIVE with me?

Ian: I… I… I…

Matti: Come on. I have a free evening. And we both have the same AIDS, lets go…

A little while later at Mattis summer cottage…

Matti: Well, AIJAN.

Ian: Ian!

Matti: Yes. What you think of my summer cottage?

Ian: Very nice. Do many Finns have their own summer cottages?

Matti: A turd!

Ian: A turd? Where?

Matti: A turd of Finnish people!

Ian: Oh, a THIRD.

Matti: As I said.

Ian: Mmm. Its, er, very peaceful here.

Matti: Yes, but there are too many BIG NIGGERS here in the summer.

Ian: Too many what?

Matti: Big niggers. You know, people who go on picknicks.

Ian: Picknickers!

Matti: Exactly. Oh, look over there. A salmi. How you say salmi in English?

Ian: Salmi?

Matti: Yes. Er, you know – a narrow slit between two LEGS

Ian: A narrow slit between two legs? (Gasp)

Matti: You KUNT.

Ian: What!?

Matti: You kunt know that. Its too difficult. Anyway, after sauna we can go swimming there.

Ian: Oh yes, a sauna. Im looking forward to that.

Matti: Well, I have to VOMIT first.

Ian: Vomit?

Matti: Yes. Its not ready yet. I have to VOMIT.

Ian: Oh, warm it.

Matti: Yes. Whats wrong with you? Dont you understand English?

Ian: Sorry, Matti. I guess Im a bit tired.

Matti: Oh yes. That reminds me. Do you have a SHIT at night?

Ian: A shit?

Matti: Yes. Or is a blanket enough?

Ian: Oh, I see. Well, I wouldnt mind a sheet, thank you very much.

Matti: Fine. OK. Now its time for sauna. You go and help yourself to a SHIT and Ill go and VOMIT.