Mario Lemieux announces return, traded to Chicago

Background: The hockey world is buzzing as former Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux is expected to announce that he is coming out of retirement to play with the team he now owns.

[AP] – In a shocking development from the hockey world, hockey legend and superstar Mario Lemieux announced his come-back to the sport in an emotional press-conference at Mellon Arena today.

Not more than twenty minutes afterward, the Penguin great was immediatly traded to the Chicago Blackhawks for Tony Amonte, Mikael Nylander, Dean McAmmond and several undisclosed draft picks.

Craig Patrick, Penguins general manager, was asked to explain the dealing of his boss, I just wanted to do it, because its really ironic. He still owns the Penguins and everything, but now he plays for Chicago! I mean … whoa! Thats weird!

Lemieux, seen in the Mellon Arena parking lot rather livid after he learned of his trade, tried his best to ease the situation, Its my own damn fault. I didnt bother to request a no-trade clause. Im the only one to blame for this.

It wouldnt have mattered, Patrick said, I wouldve just waived him and got those same players for future considerations, heh, heh. Death threats or no.

When asked about whether or not his job could be in jeopardy, being Lemieux still owns the Pittsburgh franchise, Patrick hesitated to answer, Thats the most ironic thing of all, frankly. Wait … if an owner is back and talks to the players about money and whatever, is that collusion? Now that he plays for one team, and owns another, will he lose games against us on purpose since hes basically paying for his paycheck along with Chicago, and if he plays to lose, then wont Chicago get upset? And if so, will we be fined? I dont get it. Hold on … let me think about this for a second.

The second passed quickly, as Patricks head exploded.

Ivan Hlinka, Penguins head coach, was also reached for comment, and after conferring with Jaromir Jagr, had this to say, Dean McAmmond!!! Christ! I hate that guy! We were playing a game of Life just this summer and he kept stealing money from the bank while I wasnt looking! That cheating piece of crap! I refuse to coach him! Absolutely refuse! What? You actually like him, Jaromir? Sorry. I take that back. Dean McAmmond is an exceptional player. I love him, and wish I was a women so I could have his baby. Though, if the movie Junior was real life, and not fiction, I wouldnt have to be a woman to have his baby at all.

The two men were suddenly distracted, as Jean-Claude Van Damme was seen on the rooftops of the arena, leaping off of a helicopter as it crashed through the buildings retractable roof, forcing the villain to scream in terror as he blew up in a vast array of horrific flames and grotesque screeching metal.

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