Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. – Countess of Blessington

Ive sometimes thought of marrying, and then Ive thought again. – Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I havent been able to find anybody wholl take what I have to give. – Cass Daley

Id marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee hed be dead within a year. – Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Lord Dewar

Ive been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

It destroys ones nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. – Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, its got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. – Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an irn hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. – Finley Peter Dunne, Mr. Dooley On Making A Will, 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. – Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Neer take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. – Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friends girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless shes really attractive. – Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. – Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. – Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelors life is no life for a single man. – Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Babys cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if Id known that hed be frozen stiff. My wife said, George, Im so unhappy! Our darlings now completely frappe! – Graham

If I were a girl, Id despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. – Robert Graves