1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up – put it down.

3. Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes were not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine – really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you dont dress like the Dawson Creek girls, dont expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says I love you like sex.