15
Jan

Microsoft Marketing Algorithm

/*



* Microsoft marketing algorithm.



*/



#include

#include

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */



#include /* For the court of law */







#define say(x) lie(x)



#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE



#define next_year soon



#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version











void main()



{



if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)



{



if (there_are_still_bugs)



market(bugfix);







if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)



raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);



}







while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)



{



make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in



lie.h */



if (rumours_grow_wilder)



make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);







if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)



{



market_time=ripe;



say(It will be ready in one month);



order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);



order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);



order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);



vapourware = TRUE;



break;



}



}







switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)



{



case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:



say(It will be ready in, today + 30_days, were just



testing);



break;







case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:



say(Yes it will work);



ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);



pretend(there_is_no_problem);



break;







case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:



say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to



the 32 bits architecture);



inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);



inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memory chip plant



because all those customers will need at least 32 megs);



inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);



get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);



break;







case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:



say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for



everyone);



register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);



when(time_is_ripe)



{



arrest(journalist);



brainwash(journalist);



when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)



{



order(journalist, write a nice objective article);



release (journalist);



}



}



break;



}







while (vapourware)



{



introduction_date++; /* Delay */



if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)



break;



say(It will be ready in, today + ONE_MONTH);



}







release(beta_version)



while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)



{



bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;



release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);



introduce(more_memory_requirements);







if (customers_report_installation_problems)



{



say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);



if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)



{



ignore(customer);



order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this guy);



}



}



if (there_is_another_company)



{



steal(their_ideas);



accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);



hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */



wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);



buy_out(other_company);



}



}







/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry



at us */







order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);



buy(nice_little_island);



hire(harem);



laugh_at(everyone,







for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);



}







void bugfix(void)



{



charge(a_lot_of_money)



if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)



say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);







if (still_complaints)



{



ignore(customer);



register(customer, big_Bill_book);



/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!! */



}



}

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