In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.

After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.

COMEDY RULES

Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.

Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.

Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.

Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.

Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)

No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.

From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:

black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when youve already paid
death row pardons two minutes too late

Dick Cheneys heart condition is off-limits for comedians. However, his imminent liver failure is fair game.

President George W. Bush is off-limits: He could prove to be a strategic ally in our fight against the Taliban.

Comedy about violent Islamic extremists should not impugn all of the innocent violent extremists of other faiths.

WARNING! Comedy = Tragedy + Time. If you tell jokes about the recent tragedies, you will be hurled into the distant future.

Caution: Do not go overboard on cheap sentiment. Robin Williams is still excommunicated from the community of civilized comics. We will not distinguish between Robin Williams and the entertainment executives who harbor him.

UPCOMING ACTION FILMS

Fists of Furry

Eight hours. Two arms. Three teddy bears. Can one man hug them for the entire duration? Yes. Yes he can. Will they continue to provide nightlong comfort in this time of fear and uncertainty? Yes. Yes they will.

Attack of the Cleansing Rainwater

A crack team of large clouds — which bear no resemblance to humans with guns — falls gently on a Missouri hill. Dont worry: This could never happen in real life.

The Call

A covert cell of radical Islamic fundamentalists has been secretly praying for peace around the world. Only one man can answer their calls: the all-knowing and merciful Allah.

Cybil Libertease

Shes a dancer. Shes a stripper. Shes our nations most prized possession. But are we willing to sacrifice her for increased security? I dont know, but she sure can strip!

The Mongoose and the Cobra

The Mongoose and the Cobra are friends. They do not fight. They spoon in bed. They gently chuckle at their differences. When they argue, Mongoose may savagely flash his fangs and Cobra may spray deadly spittle, but eventually everything works out fine.

Hell On Earth

A breathtaking documentary about chocolate ice cream and how amazingly yummy it is.

ALTERATIONS FOR SENSITIVITY

Manhattan

Woody Allens celebrated classic will now contain no images of Manhattan.

The Die Hard trilogy

No skyscrapers, airplanes or bombs shown. Running time of trilogy: four minutes, 19 seconds.

Friends

The character Ross is now left-handed.

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.