This is one of my favourites, it has been circulated around offices for goodness know how long. Hope you enjoy it. (actually hope you havent seen it before).

TO ALL STAFF:

NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY:

Frequent absenteeism has forced introduction of the following changes effective immediately:

SICKNESS: No excuse for absence. We will not accept your doctors certificate as proof. If you are unable to visit your doctor, you will have to be prepared to submit to thorough examination by your department or branch manager at your home on the day you report sick.

DEATH: (other than your own): This is not an excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off 20 minutes early-provided your work is sufficiently advanced to keep the job going in your absence.

LEAVE FOR AN OPERATION: This is not an excuse. We will no longer allow this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have about needina an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever organs you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We employed you for what you are and to have anything removed would certainly be less than we bargained for. (Note: an exception will be made for warts).

DEATH: (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, buth we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

TOILET VISIT: Entirely too much time is going spent in b toilets. In future we will follow alphabetical order:- For example, those whose surname begins with A will go from 9 a.m. to 9:05 a.m.. B will go from 9:05 a.m. to 9:10 a.m., and so on.

IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO GO AT THE ALLOCATED TIME. IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.