December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And dont be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on were calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, Im happy to accommodate this request, but, dont forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, AA Only, you wont be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Ive arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay mens table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa does happen to be Satan, there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red suit.

Patty Lewis – Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-Ive had it with you people!! Were going to hold this party at Luigis Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death, as you put it, and youll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Im sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. Ill continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director