• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
• Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Thanx to the Guffaws list.