21
Mar

Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I dont freakin think so!

21
Mar

Heavenly Help

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
Yes, we can do this for you.
Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things dont work out theres a possibility that we could be divorced? To which St. Peter answered It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

21
Mar

bartender survey

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, shell send YOU a drink.Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and youre in.Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.Cider : Hes probably under-aged and wants to get laid.Cheap Domestic Beer : Hes poor / student and wants to get laid.Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.Bitter : Hes old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laidGuinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.Wine : Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.Port : Thinks hes sophisticated, secretl

21
Mar

Q: Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending machine?

A: Because she thought she was winning.

21
Mar

Coincidence or Medical Miracle?

The discovery that Bushs resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time weve had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

21
Mar

Ways Microsoft Would Be Different If It Was Headquarted In Georgia

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naw
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now!
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Redman plugnplay interface.
They could still use Kay-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
would be the one after that.
Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
manager.
Instructions for use would include mash the control key.

21
Mar

The 10 Commandments (in Ebonics)

1. Im God. Dont play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me)

2. Dont be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Dont be callin me for no reason.
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Yall betta be in church on Sunday.
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Dont dis or cuss out yo momma….and if you know who ya daddy is, dont dis him either.
(Honor thy father and mother)

6. Dont be goin on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Dont be borrowing stuff and not give it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Dont be snitchin on the other man to save yourself.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Dont be eyein your homies crib, ride or woman.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)

21
Mar

A Taurus letter to God

Dear God,

Make me less stubborn– If you can.

I aint broke, so why fix me?
No-one can move proverbial Rocks of Gibraltar.
I mean what I say, now leave me alone.

21
Mar

Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…

Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

21
Mar

Handy Guide to the Dating Signs

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS. Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.1. Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman – No foreplay3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin5. Cant hail a cab – Impotent6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho9. Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow10. Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow11. Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm12. Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way13. Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed14. Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt16. Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only17. Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs18. Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation19. Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered – Will make you sleep on the wet spot21. Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you22. Changes tables – Nymphomaniac23. Drinks Decaffeinated. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)24. Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)