20
May

Blondes…. their really dumb

2 brunettes and a blonde were sitting in bar when the blonde turned around and said hey man your really dumb D-u-m hey blonde said the bruntte theres a b then the blonde said where

20
May

The Blonde Nun

One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways.

There must be something you would have of me, said God.
Well, there is one thing, she said.
Just name it, said God.
Its those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.

Consider it done, said God. Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans.

But surely there is something that I could do just for you.

There is one thing. But its really small, and not worth your time, said the nun.

Name it. Please, said God.

Its the M&Ms, said the nun. Theyre so hard to peel!

20
May

I see you

A
few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man
accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried
for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot
about it.
Once he was in the doctors office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first
thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the mans
arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You
know, " said the doctor, "you really have
to learn to trust me."

20
May

Support calls – free space on hard drive

Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

20
May

Leadership

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if theyre intelligent.

I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen.Allow me to demonstrate.

She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds ,It¹s me, maam.

Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?

Yes maam. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.

Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?

Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get back to you?

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumb cracker.

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!

And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumb shit, its Tony Blair!

20
May

Sexual preferences of senators

Overheard on unidentified radio station. Humorous sketch involving reporter
and senator (country unspecified):

Reporter: But Senator, what have you to say to the problem of young
Miguel, only 12 years old, who has to hustle on the sidewalk
to sell his 15-year-old sister?

Senator: How much is the sister?

20
May

Bad Pickup Line

Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can sure see myself in them.

20
May

The Wizard of Oz

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.

Ive told you animals, I cant help you with any big problems, responds the wizard. Youll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

Oh wizard, the elephant begins, please help me. I was born without a trunk.

Now the wizard is infuriated. Dont you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!

The elephant responds But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?

Oh thats easy, says the wizard. Just follow the yellow dicked toad!

20
May

Lightbulb… Christians

How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs.

20
May

Language barrier

A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta GA visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life – something he was not accustomed to in the northeast.

While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the childs aid by grabbing the dog, and choking it to death.

As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous: ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH, to headline on page 1.

The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston, not Atlanta. The next day he read the headline: YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET.