16
Nov

Golfer and the Leprechaun

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction. What are you making? asks the golfer. It smells wonderful. This is a magic brew, says the leprechaun. If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and youll never be defeated. Well, then, let me have some, says the golfer. Have as much as you like, says the leprechaun. But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire. I can live with that, says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup. The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months, hes the undisput- ed local champion. The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor. It worked, says the golfer. It really worked! Im the best golfer this club has ever seen. Yes, but what about your sex life? asks the leprechaun. Pretty good, says the golfer. Ive had sex three or four times in the last six months. That doesnt sound so great to me, says the leprechaun. Actually, says the golfer, its not bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

16
Nov

AOL Disks

[This is an original creation except as noted below]

[For the occassional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online
has been distributing 10 Hours Free disks like crazy. They come with
magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals
etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest
in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]

Things to do about all of your AOL disks.

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
a signature seen on the net.]
Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out
of names before you run out of disks.
Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download
enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Dont stop
until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining
unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.
Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.
Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets
AOLs order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber
data base.
Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom
to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.
Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth
of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.
Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium
and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they
reach critical mass.
Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making
effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to
a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding
the following message among the various account: Stop sending
these f*****g disks.
Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire
at age 43.
Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to
mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and
to send the letter to five more people.

16
Nov

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up! and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog Dog.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, the Archies Sugar or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to interface with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!
* Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend tricorder and scan people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

16
Nov

Redneck Jokes joke #10989

Things Never Said By a Redneck…

1. Wrasslins fake.

2. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

3. Were vegetarians.

4. Do you think my gut is too big?

5. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

6. Honey, we dont need another dog.

7. Whos Richard Petty?

8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

9. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

10. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

16
Nov

What Am I Doing?

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, Do you understand what I am doing?

Yes, the patient answered. Youre checking for dermatological abrasions. Correct, the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, Do you understand what I am doing? Youre feeling for cancerous lumps, she ventured.

Very astute, the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the womans feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

And do you understand what I am doing now? All too well, the patient shot back. Youre contracting herpes!

16
Nov

Hippie in a Bar

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove. So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here. The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove. Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here! So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove. The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie. You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

16
Nov

Hairassment

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we dont get our way we will not date anybody that aint blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise,

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

16
Nov

Bar… Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyones amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey did?

The guy says, No, what?

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. Ill pay for everything.

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, hes in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

No, what? replied the guy. Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it! said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.

16
Nov

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

16
Nov

Dont be sexist…

Dont be sexist… broads hate that!

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