24
May

Shipwreck

Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.

The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?

The lawyer says Professional courtesy.

24
May

Pa Wont Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later."

"Thats mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I dont think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa wont like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Dont be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

24
May

You Might Be A Redneck If…Law

You might be a redneck if you cant get married to your sweetheart because theres a law against it!

24
May

Sex change

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, How is it that you know so much about baseball?

She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

Was it when they cut off your balls?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

What was the most painful part?

The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

24
May

Fish On The Wall

What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam!

24
May

Martha Stewarts new years resolutions

Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.

Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholls shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26
Review the Christmas 96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31
Gild lilies.

24
May

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

24
May

Lord, forgive me…

Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do

==========================================

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police

raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer

said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me

for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said,

No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you

gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No,

officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein,

were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

24
May

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

23
May

Trumpet joke

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, I could do that better.

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