A Lesson in Church

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "Thats right." Then he asked "Who is Gods son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didnt want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and Im going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "Thats right."



Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil…


Political humor!!!

POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.

From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu

Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.
Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.
Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).
Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).
From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu


Artificial Intelligence in a Bottle

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.


Arm Troubles

A man went to visit his doctor. Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please? the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the mans sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Hello, Doctort; says the arm. Could you lend me twenty bucks please? Im desperate!
Aha! says the doctor.
I see the problem. Your arm is broke!


Blonde Doctor?

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now.


Programmers Psalm

Our program,

Who art in memory,

Hello be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.




Q: What did did the mother duck say to the little duck.
A: If you dont behave, Im gonna quack you one.


Having a Beer With Your Brothers

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down. — and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers."


The Motley Race

A cabbage, a water hose, and a bottle of tomato sauce joined a race. The race goes on and this is what happens…The cabbage is a-head… the hose is still running… and the bottle is trying to ketchup…