Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown

Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown

(sung to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better come out,
you better not cry,
You better not pout,
Im telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

Hes making the switch,
Hes leaving his wife,
Hes gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

A secret hes been keeping,
Its made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.

So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.


Three Chinese Tortures

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.


Moishe Glickman

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He

gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just

like Moishe.

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: C. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my

coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to

Moishe every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the

pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera

baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him

play the piano.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something, huh?

Cabbie: He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybodys

birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat

them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the

whole neighborhood blacks out.

Passenger. Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic

jams, not like me.

Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around

Cabbie: And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and

never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing

was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Moishe.

Passenger: Then how do you know so much about him?

Cabbie: I married his widow.


Signs that you are drinking too much

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects

-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

-Your career wont progress beyond senator from Massachusetts.

-You sincerely belive alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group

-That damned pink elephant followed you home again

-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

-Every woman you see has an exact twin

-You discover in the morning that you liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.

-Five beers have just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner

-The glass keeps missing your mouth.

-When you go to donate blood, they ask what proof it is

-Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after bitting you

-You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

-Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer

-You wake up in the bedroom still clothed, but your underwear is in the bathroom

-Even rednecks have stopped doing jokes about your drinking


A biology class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the
high glucose levels found in semen. A young female
freshman raised her hand and asked If I understand,
youre saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?

Thats correct, responded the professor, going on to
add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, Then why doesnt
it taste sweet? After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst out laughing.

The poor girls face turned bright red; she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of class never to return.
As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced
professor answered her question:

It doesnt taste sweet because the taste-buds
for sweetness are on the TIP of your tongue!



A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,” she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?”

“No Mom, he’s not,” replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?”


More Seminars for Women

[Editors note: this one is DIFFERENT!]

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff,
the male staff has created a set of courses for females of
all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic)
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Dont Have (formerly How
to Cut Credit Cards in Half)
HE103: Overcoming The Imelda Syndrome (formerly called How
Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?)

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say No With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission – a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly Keeping Your
Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Elses Life Too)
IR106: Understanding Mens Revulsion to Tampon Commercials
(formerly called We Know What That Little Plastic Applicator
is REALLY For!)

Sex Education:
SE101a: How to Say Yes
SE101b: How to Say No But Mean Yes
SE102: Sex – Its Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103: Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104: Lingerie – The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105: Sexual Alternatives for That Time of the Month
(formerly titled Any Old Port in a Storm)
SE106: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)


What happens when your voice changes

I was driving my four year old son home from day care
when seemingly out of the blue, he asked Daddy, is my voice
going to change one day?

Yes, it is I replied.

Why? he immediately wanted to know.

As I was pondering exactly how much of the tale I needed to
tell him at his tender age, he very excitedly popped out:

Well, when my voice changes, Im going to speak Spanish!




Two Japanese businessmen were talking during their dip in the hot baths

at the geisha house.

Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you.

Upset, Hirokosan asked for more information.

More, she is dishonoring you with a foreigner who is of the Jewish faith.

Shocked, Hirokosan went home to confront his wife. I am told you are

dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.

That is a lie! she replied, outraged. Where did you hear such mishegass?


Bar Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had

been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.


Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

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