09
Jun

Always remember to pillage before

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

09
Jun

Even if you win the

Even if you win the rat race, youre still a rat.

09
Jun

No Breakfast

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived
on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells
him he cant have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any
eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he
asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken,
so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this
morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

09
Jun

Weight Watchers

A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."

09
Jun

A real friend …

Are you tired of all those mushy friendship poems that always sound good but never even come close to reality? Well, finally, here is a friendship poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,

When you are sad … I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
v
When you are blue … Ill try to dislodge whatever is that is choking you.

When you smile … Ill know you finally got laid.

When you are scared … I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried … I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused … I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick … stay the hell away from me until youre well again. I dont want whatever you have.

When you fall … I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath … I pledge til the end. Why you may ask? Because youre my friend!

REMEMBER: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

09
Jun

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

09
Jun

Bra and Boxers!

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!

09
Jun

Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,

For HEAVENS SAKE Dad, dont dig up that garden, thats where I buried the Money!

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His sons reply was: Now plant your potatoes, Dad. Its the best I could do from here.

09
Jun

King of Beers

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Senior, I would like the
worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give
me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke. The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you
drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies Well, if you
guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

09
Jun

Painting the town red

This little drama was told me by one of the Polish students in Oxford.
Apparently it was a popular joke in Poland during the late 80s.

Jocelyn Paine

[ Scene : The White House ]

Presidential Aide – Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just
landed on the Moon! And theyve started to paint it
red! What shall we do?

Ronnie – Come back when theyve finished, son.

P.A. [later] – Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter
of the moon red!

Ronnie – Dont worry about it, son. Tell me when theyve finished.

P.A. [still later] – Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the
moon red! Arent you going to do anything?

Ronnie – Nope, not yet.

P.A. [still later and even more anxious]
– Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted
THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir?
Please, Sir?

Ronnie – [ as before ]

P.A. – Mr Reagan. Theyve painted the WHOLE moon red!

Ronnie – OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there,
with plenty of white paint, and paint Coca-Cola across
it.

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