15
Jul

Wax job

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if hed been cleaned out at the casinos.

He said, Its worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.

I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, For sure youve still got a hundred bucks for a quick one, but I said, Nope – dont have near that much.

Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?

And I said, Nope – dont have fifty bucks left.

Well then, she says, I can let you have a hand job for $25.

And I said, Really, Id love to, but I dont even have that much left.

So she says, How about a wax job for five bucks? And I tell her Ive never heard of a wax job, but she says, Whadda ya got to lose? and we go behind a parked car in Ballys parking lot.

So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.

15
Jul

The Cremation

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next

to the grieving widow. How old was your husband? he asked.

He was ninety-eight, she answered softly. Two years older than I

am.

Really? the undertaker said. Hardly worth going home, wouldnt

you say?

15
Jul

Life According To TV Land

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

4. The suburbs are exciting.

5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

6. Good guys are always outnumbered.

7. Good guys always win and get the girl.

8. Good guys are always good looking.

9. Ugly people are always bad guys.

10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.

12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.

14. Cars will explode in all accidents.

15. Everyone has a dark secret.

16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

17. Haunted houses are never locked.

18. The police are smart.

19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

20. All Asian people know Karate.

21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.

23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.

24. Indians make good cannon fodder.

25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.

a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PCs.

b) Computers know everything.

c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything

d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.

29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.

32. Movies based on true stories are made up.

33. Police never wait for back-up.

34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.

35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.

38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.

39. Good guys dont do drugs.

40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.

43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendors carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.

45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.

49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but cant use that speed to actually catch the person theyre chasing.

55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

15
Jul

Preacher, Peanuts, Recluse

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"Thats okay," says the lady, "Since Ive lost my teeth, all Ive been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

15
Jul

Father explaining sex to his son

A father was walking around the neighborhood with his son when they came upon two dogs involved in the procreative act.

Father, what are they doing? asked the little boy.

Theyre making a puppy, the father said.

Later that night junior gets out of bed and goes to his parents room to find them in the procreative act. Daddy, what are you doing? asks the son.

Were making a baby, replied the father.

The little boys says, Well roll her over – I want a puppy!!!

15
Jul

My wife…

My wifes gone to the West Indies.

Jya makeer?

No, Barbados.

15
Jul

Two drunks

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. What are we going to do? asks the drunk passenger.

Dont worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out. May I see your license and your registration? he asks. The guy gives him his license. Have you been drinking? No officer. We havent.

Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you havent had anything to drink? The officer asked.

I swear officer. I havent had a sip.

Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?

The man answers, These arent labels. We are alcoholics, and were on the patch.

15
Jul

The Duck Hunt

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said Hey Sir,what ya huntin?

The man said Ducks.

The Warden said Did ya have any luck?

He said Got 3.

The Warden said Let Me see them. The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said Youre the expert, you tell me!

15
Jul

Mano ya na mano

Santa singh and Banta singh were found playing chess.

15
Jul

Pickup Lines

THE WORLDS BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

4. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.

5. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

7. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.

8. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.

9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

10. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.

11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

13. Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?

14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

16. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?

17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

18. So… How am I doin?

19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

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