15
Aug

Knock Knock Whos there? Cathy! Cathyl who? Cathy the

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cathy!
Cathyl who?
Cathy the the doorbell, its too dark out here!

15
Aug

Programming language acronyms

ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance

BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginners Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion

C: Crud
C: Confusing

COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics

FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland

LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses

PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

15
Aug

Monkey Smells

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

15
Aug

Cute Little Fart

A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. Is there anything wrong? he asked her.

The nun replied, Its just gas!



As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.



Are you sure youre ok? he asked again. Yes, she replied. Its just gas!



One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. Hmm . . . cute little fart.

15
Aug

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.


19. I can see the gun of Navarone.


18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.


17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.


16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.


15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.


14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…


11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.


10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!


9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.


8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!


7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!


5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…


3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

15
Aug

How Shit Happens

In the beginning was the Plan.



And then came the Assumptions.



And the Assumptions were without form.



And the Plan was without substance.



And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.



And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.



And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.



And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.



And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.



And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.



And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..



And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.



And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.



And the Plan became Policy.



And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

15
Aug

Sex Before Marriage

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.

John: I didnt sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?

Bob: Ahhhh….Im not sure. What was your wifes maiden name?

15
Aug

Drive Into Ditch

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

15
Aug

Where Did You Get The Idea?

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?

Why no, said the husband, flattered.

Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! she yelled.

15
Aug

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Page 11 of 3,798« First...910111213...203040...Last »