He is extremely drunk

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .. And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said, Why? Dont ye believe me?!


Q: How many hunters

Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.


How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?

How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.


St Patrick was gay

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didnt care.

The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off… watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right, hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch this.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.


One day, Pinocchio and his

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, Whats the matter, baby?

Pinocchios girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, Youre probably the best guy Ive ever met– but every time we make love, you give me splinters.

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to smooth out Pinocchios relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchios graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchios problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls.

To which Pinocchios replied, GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???


Una vez un mexicano, un

Una vez un mexicano, un francés y un estadounidense estaban discutiendo acerca de quien era el hombre más rapido.

El francés les dijo: Yo me subo a la torre Eifel y lanzo dos huevos, bajo corriendo, salgo y los cacho.

Luego el estadounidense dice: Yo soy más rápido. Subo a la Estatua de la Libertad, lanzo un billete de dólar, bajo corriendo, abro la bolsa de mi pantalón y el dolar cae dentro.

Después el mexicano dice: Yo me subo arriba de la Torre Latinoamericana, saco el culo, cago tres mojones..

Y lo interrumpe el francés: No me digas que bajas y cachas tu mierda.

Y le dice el mexicano: No, pendejo. ¡Bajo y me veo el culo!


Haba 2 borrachos en un

Había 2 borrachos en un bar y estaban transmitiendo un concurso de trajes de baño por televisión.

Sale la primera concursante y uno de los borrachos dice, ¡qué porquería!

Sale la segunda, la tercera, la cuarta, la quinta y el borracho siempre decía lo mismo: ¡qué porquería!

El otro borracho no pudo aguantar más y le dice, Tu estás loco, mira para allá como están de buenas esas mujeres y tu dices que porquería.

Sí, que porquería, ¡que porquería la que tengo yo en casa!


Funeral Story

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?

I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?

Im a gynecologist.


Knock Knock Whos there? Disguise! Disguise who? Disguise the

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disguise who?
Disguise the limit!


Fat Lady

One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.

The kid could not help but notice her size. Dad look at her! She is so huge!!!

The father replied, Be quiet! You must be polite and dont hurt her feelings.

The kid persisted, But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!!!

The father, rather embarassed, said, Stop it or Ill take you outside!!!

Just about then the ladys pager goes off … beep… beep… beep…

The kid screams Dad look out!!! Shes backing up!!!