15
Aug

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"

15
Aug

The Final FBI Test

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.

The englishman grabbed the gun. Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good. He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, Weve been maried too long. I just cant do it. So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun. If I must, I must. He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, I love her too much. I just cant do it. So he was booted out.

So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. That fucking bitch is really going to get it. Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.

The agent asked, What the hell happened in there?

The Ukranian replied, Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!

15
Aug

Telemarketer Fun

One thing that has always bugged me, and Im sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:Me: HelloAT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…Me: This is AT&T?AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?Me: May I ask who is calling?AT&T: This is AT&T.Me: OK, hold on.At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.Me: Hello?AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?Me: May I ask who is calling please?AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…Me: The phone company?AT&T: Yes sir.Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.Me: I already have a phone.AT&T: We arent selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, thats right! 24 hours a day!Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?AT&T: Thats right.Me: 365 days a year?AT&T: Yes sir.Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!AT&T: We think so!Me: Thats quite a sum of money!AT&T: Yes sir, its amazing how it adds up.Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?AT&T: Excuse me?Me: You know, the 10 cents a min

15
Aug

Bar Jokes joke #11071

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. Ive got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money. She stands up and says, What makes you think I charge by the inch.

15
Aug

You Tell Him

A woman was trying to make her husband go to church with her, but he refused. One day he asked her if she really believed in that stuff in the Bible about the whale swallowing Jonah, and she said, I believe it because the Bible says its true. She told him that when she got to Heaven she would ask Jonah about it.

Her husband said, What if he isnt in Heaven?

His wife replied, In that case, you ask him.

15
Aug

Three bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old mans milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.

15
Aug

The Busy Handy Man (adult themes)

In an inner city school, a questionaire was sent home with a new pupil, requesting information regarding the home environment, number of brothers and sisters, fathers occupation, etc.

The next day she returned with a scrap of paper on which was the following: We have eighteen children. My husband can also do plumbing and carpentry work.

15
Aug

How To Fail Your Driving Test

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, Buckle up!
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say Oops.
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, Now which one is the gas again?
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
Beep your horn at everything.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

15
Aug

Jim Mullens Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week…

Big Brother 2 One contestant got booted for holding a knife to anothers throat. But he hopes to appear on COPS.
Tom & Penelope: Theres already a problem. She wants to keep her maiden name if they marry.
The Sopranos Executive producer David Chase has agreed to a fifth season for a reported $20 million. The more characters he kills off, the more he gets to keep.
The West Wing Several of the supporting characters want more money. There goes your tax cut.
Harrison Ford: He helped rescue a lost Boy Scout with his helicopter. After a car chase, a horse race, a knife fight, a snake pit, a chasm jump…
Nicole Kidman: Reports say she and Russell Crowe were vacationing on the same remote, primitive South Seas island. Australia.
Beijing Olympics: Theyre adding several new sports for 2008: the 200-meter Tank Dodge and the Dissident Javelin Catch.
Online movie tickets: Some theaters now let you print your tickets at home. Call me when they let us make our own popcorn.
Maximum security: An L.A. prisoner escaped jail using a fake ID with Eddie Murphys picture on it. From Shrek.
Theme parks: Attendance is down this summer, perhaps due to the price of gas and electricity. But the attendance at trailer parks is up.
Charlie Sheen: Hes selling his sumptuous L.A. bachelor pad. As soon as he gets all the keys back from his married friends.
Americas Sweethearts Finally, the long-awaited movie about George W. Bush and the giant oil company.
Emmy nominations: For the first time, there are categories for reality shows. Theyre not voted on – you race the other nominees to the stage for them.
Jurassic Park III The dinosaurs talk to each other throughout the movie. So did the people behind me.
MTV: Theyre celebrating their 20th birthday. In three years, so will most of their execs.

Copyright © 2001 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

15
Aug

Perfect

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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