11
Feb

The Last 10 Things Any Man and Woman Would Ever Say

The last 10 things any man would ever say

I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While Im up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure Id love to wear a condom.
We havent been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

The last 10 things any woman would ever say

Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being
friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, its easier for me to douche that
way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please dont throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
Im wrong, you must be right again.

11
Feb

No Breakfast

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived
on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells
him he cant have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any
eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he
asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken,
so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this
morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

11
Feb

Viability

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.


In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

11
Feb

Yo mama is so fat

yo mama is so fat she went on a elevator


she pressed up it went down

11
Feb

Green Half First

A funny story I know comes from someones father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules shed been given werent working.

Oh, he said, Youve been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first. He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

11
Feb

Fluffy Toys

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.



They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. Theres hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – theres more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.



Later, after theyve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, So, how was I ?



She replied, Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.

11
Feb

Sheep shank

A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time.

Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence.

10 months later the daughter of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him.

You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my daughter. Im going to kill you, you hypocrite.

No it wasnt me stammered the missionary Its just a freak of nature.

Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and youre the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now Im going to kill you slowly.

No, its true responded the missionary. Its called an albino. These sort of strange things happen all the time. See those sheep on the hill. Look, all the lambs are white except for one black one.

With that the chief looks around and in a conspiritorial tone replies, Look, Ill do you a deal. Ill forget about the baby if you forget about the sheep. OK?

11
Feb

What kind of fish does a dog catch?

Catfish.

11
Feb

What do deaf fish wear?

Herring aids

11
Feb

Murphys Laws of Combat

* If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Dont look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

If orders can be misunderstood they will be

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud

Mine fields are not neutral

If theyre shooting at you, its a high intensity conflict

The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack

If your attack is going well, its an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isnt

Never stand when you can sit

Never sit when you can lie down

Never stay awake when you can sleep

A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything

The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of its operator

No combat ready group ever passes inspection

No inspection ready group ever survives combat

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms