11
Aug

From the Grave

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?

The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

11
Aug

En un convento, una monja

En un convento, una monja salió embarazada y se armó de valor para informarle a la madre superiora.

¿Quién fue el culpable?, inquiere la madre superiora.

Ha sido el espíritu santo, porque no tuve relaciones con nadie.

Para salir del problema, la monja mayor le dice:

Está bien, retírate del convento por 9 meses y después regresas.

Al día siguiente, aparece otra monja con el mismo problema y así, nuevas hermanas se presentan cada día con lo mismo. Pasados tres meses, la superiora reúne a todas las monjas:

Por razones personales tengo que retirarme por nueve meses; pero cuando vuelva, ¡voy a buscar a la persona que le puso semen a las velas!

11
Aug

De acuerdo con los ltimos

De acuerdo con los últimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta más efectiva para el ser humano, y más placentera, es la que a continuación se detalla. (A lo largo de varios años y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podrá comprobar la veracidad de los datos estadísticos.)

El sexo es la manera más práctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cuántas calorías se pierden en cada actividad.

QUITANDO LA ROPA

Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calorías.

Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calorías.

ABRIENDO EL SOSTÉN

Con las dos manos: 8 calorías.

Con una mano: 12 calorías.

Con la boca: 85 calorías.

COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO

Con erección: 6 calorías.

Sin erección: 315 calorías.

PRELIMINARES

Intentando encontrar el clítoris: 8 calorías.

Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calorías.

POSICIONES

Misionero: 12 calorías.

69 tumbado: 78 calorías.

69 de pie: 112 calorías (Con ella de pie).

Carretilla: 216 calorías.

De perrito: 326 calorías.

Candelabro italiano: 912 calorías.

TENIENDO UN ORGASMO

Real: 112 calorías.

Falso: 315 calorías.

POST ORGASMO

Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calorías.

Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calorías.

Explicar por qué salió de la cama enseguida: 116 calorías.

CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCIÓN

Si tiene entre:

20 y 29 años: 36 calorías.

30 y 39 años: 80 calorías.

40 y 49 años: 124 calorías.

50 y 59 años: 972 calorías.

60 y 70 años: 2916 calorías.

Más de 70 años: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).

Más de 10 años de casado: 4635 calorías.

COLOCANDO LA ROPA

Con calma: 32 calorías.

Con prisa por salir: 98 calorías.

Con el papá de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calorías.

Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calorías.

Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calorías.

11
Aug

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.

11
Aug

More Obi wan sons

What would Obi Wan say to his noisy sons.



Obi quiet.

11
Aug

In September, a 7-year- old

11
Aug

When is the Resurrection?

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans.

You dont understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost?

Naw! Ive lived here all my life, answered the farmer.

Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmers attention and he asked, Whens it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, dont mention it to my wife. She dont get out much and shell wanna go all three days.

11
Aug

Gulf War Remembered!

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?

A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?

A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?

A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: None. They cant turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,

000.

Q: How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?

A: B-

52…F-

16…A-10

Q: What is Iraqs national bird ?

A: Duck

Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?

A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?

A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?

A: They need a map….

11
Aug

Blonde tries to repair her car

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasnt there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

What are you doing! she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

Im blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained the first blonde.

Well silly, its not going to work replied her neighbor.

Why not? asked the first blonde.

Because youve got to roll up the windows first

11
Aug

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A2: She didnt like it because she couldnt get MTV.

Page 19 of 3,798« First...10...1718192021...304050...Last »