05
Nov

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,

Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy



Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to

hell. Lets stay home and watch TV. Also known as:

Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow

Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass



Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle



Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,

Big n Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig



Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,

Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams



The Sneak – Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life



Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love like

crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,

Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused



The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous. I dont

know how, but–

Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag

of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus



Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love

like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

05
Nov

Sitting Eskimos

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

05
Nov

Fox Hunters

Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charleys front gate. The gates about a quarter mile from Charleys house. Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, HEY, CHARLEY….LETS GO FOX HUNTIN!! Charley yells back, OK, ILL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!! In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate…..dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin best. What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?, asked Lem. FOX HUNTIN?, asked Charley, I THOUGHT YOU SAID LETS GO FUCK SUMPTHIN!!

05
Nov

Knock Knock Whos there? Ilka! Ilka who? Ilka-pone!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ilka!
Ilka who?
Ilka-pone!

05
Nov

Calorie

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping
of a particular food.

05
Nov

Rumor has it that Clinton

Rumor has it that Clinton has switched to smoking ciggarettes.

It seems he has decided that cigars are for pussies.

05
Nov

Deodorants

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:
I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.

05
Nov

black baby

how do you baby sit a black baby?….
you wet his lips and stick him to a window!

how do you get him off? slide him to the corner!

(im not racest just to let you know)

05
Nov

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon:Watergate

Clinton:Waterbed

 

Nixon:His biggest fear – the Cold War

Clinton:His biggest fear – a Cold Sore

 

Nixon:Worried about carpet bombs

Clinton:Worried about carpet burns

 

Nixon:His Vice President was a Greek

Clinton:His Vice President is a geek

 

Nixon:Couldnt stop Kissinger

Clinton:Couldnt stop kissing her

 

Nixon:Couldnt explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape

Clinton:Couldnt explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

 

Nixon:His nickname was Tricky Dick

Clinton:same

 

Nixon:Ex-President

Clinton:Sex-President

 

Nixon:Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One

Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, Hes the one!

 

Nixon:Famous for his widows peak

Clinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peak

 

Nixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy

Clinton:Well acquainted with the G Spot

 

Nixon:Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton:Took on Ho

 

Nixon:Talked about achieving peace with honor

Clinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her

Best quote from the Bill/Monica scandal is from Dick Armey when asked what he would do in Clintons position: If I were in the Presidents position, I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife say How the hell do I reload this thing?

05
Nov

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

Masked potatoes.