07
Feb

Microsoft Engineer

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work!?

07
Feb

Shoot The Pig

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, Boss, Ive got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do?

In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.

So whats the problem now? his Boss snapped.

The blue light on his bike is still flashing!

07
Feb

24 Hours to Live.

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.



He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.



After standing for some time, the doctor asked What do you want me to do?

Nothing. Just stand there.



A while later, the lawyer asked What do you want me to do?

Nothing. Just stand there.



As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked Why are we standing here?



Well, said the old man, Christ died between two thieves, so I thought Id do the same!

07
Feb

If anything can go wrong,

If anything can go wrong, it will.

07
Feb

Broken Commandmants

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often adopted by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an Uncle to the familys little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. Theyre always broke!

07
Feb

The Nine Daze Of Christmas (rated)

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A dime bag of Panama Red

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Eight healthy roaches

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the ninth day, everybody ODd and they were all rushed to St. John General Hospital where they were given nine wiffs of nitro, and nine bottles of Valium. Then everybody ODs on Valium and they all die horribly…

07
Feb

Liar Sermon

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.

07
Feb

Driving Violations

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….

The man says Whats the problem officer?

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your

seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

Wife says: No, only when hes drunk!

07
Feb

Bill The Duck

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck, Will that be cash or charge? The duck replies, Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says, Do you want me to also put them on your bill? The duck says, Hell no, Im not that kind of duck!

07
Feb

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day.
You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly
like you) on a leash in your living room.
Ice floating in toilet water.
Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
Friends swear theyve seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant.
You can never find the leftovers.
The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The
Nature Channel.
The dog doesnt lick itself anymore… now its the cats job.
Mensa mailings addressed to Rover.
Your apartment keys no longer work.