15
May

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

15
May

Una pareja acababa de descubrir

Una pareja acababa de descubrir el 69 y aunque ella andaba en sus días, a él no le importó. Cuando estaban más entrados que nunca, tocan a la puerta y baja el hombre corriendo. Era su compadre, que con asombro le pregunta:

Compadre, ¿por qué trae sangre en la boca?

Es que me golpeé los labios con una taza.

¡Yo creo que con la taza del baño… porque trae caca en la frente!

15
May

Mommy Dearest!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Mom, look at this, and stuck out two of her fingers.



Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, Mommy is gonna eat your fingers! pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.



When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.



I said, Whats wrong honey?



Sad and broken up she looked at me and said –

Mommy, wheres my booger?

15
May

Barts Lines

On the television show The Simpsons Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.



Simpsons Chalk Board Writings



I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless Im sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr.

Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell shes dead at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a frisbee.

I will not call the principal spud head.

Goldfish dont bounce.

Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The pledge of allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

I will not waste chalk.

I will never win an Emmy.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

15
May

When working on a project,

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that youre certain youre finished with, you will need it instantly.

15
May

Mathematic Love

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. Ill be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

15
May

How does the guy who

15
May

The horses in the race

The horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Clean Sheets
3. Bare Belly
4. Thighs
5. Silk Panties
6. Big Johnson
7. Conscience
8. Heavy Bosom
9. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry

At the post: Aaaaaand theyre off !!! Conscience is left behind at
the post. Jockey Shorts and Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big
Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark: Its Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and
Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is
making the final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish: Its Big Johnson giving everything hes got !!!…and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer !!! It
looks like a dead heat but BIG JOHNSON squirts through and wins by a
head!!!

WHOHHH!! Heavy Bosom weakens, and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had
a chance…………

15
May

Burning Bush

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

15
May

Bad drivers.

Why are women such bad drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

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