07
Dec

Cough Syrup

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: Whats with the guy over there by the wall?

The new clerk responds: Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldnt find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: You idiot! You cant treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!

The new clerk calmly responds: Of course you can! Look at him, hes afraid to cough.

07
Dec

Dog Commandments

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cats litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou has been neutered) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

07
Dec

Lawyers & Politicians joke #11026

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, its worked for over 200 years, and were not using it anymore.

07
Dec

Edward

Last autumn, a group of friends went deer hunting and decided to paired off in twos for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

Where is Edward? the other hunters asked.

Eds hunting partner, Brian, replied, Edward had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.

The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, You left Edward laying out there and carried the deer back?

It was a tough call, nodded the hunter. But I figured that nobody would steal Edward.

07
Dec

The last four U.S. Presidents and the Wizard Of Oz

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.

NO PROBLEM says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well …, Well …, Well …, I need a brain.

DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?

Up steps George Bush sadly; Im told by the American people that I need a heart.

IVE HEARD ITS TRUE, says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE.

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?

Is Dorothy around?

Dorothy: How can you talk if you havent got a brain?

Scarecrow: I dont know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, dont they?

07
Dec

The Jew, American, and Pollack.

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first – This is for my country and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks whats the matter? The boys says my dog just blew up!

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, my cat just blew up!

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. What so funny, asks the Pollock?

The Redneck replies – I just farted and my house blew up!

07
Dec

Who Is Braver?

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing Wild Blue Yonder, and then jump off!

YES SIR! replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. Now thats bravery! exclaims the general.

Ah, thats nothing, says the Admiral, Seaman! A seaman appears, YES, SIR!! Take this weapon, as he offers him an M14, Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing Anchors Aweigh. Salute each of us, and jump off.

YES SIR!! replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

Now thats courage! says the admiral.

Courage, nothin snorts the Army general. Get over here, private!

YES SIR!! replies the private.

Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.

YES SIR!! replies the private, and completes the task.

Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!

They all look to the Marine. Private, he says.

YES SIR!!

Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing The Halls of Montezuma, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, FUCK YOU SIR!!

The general turns to the others and says, Now THATS bravery!

07
Dec

President

What is Bill Clintons favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter

07
Dec

The bum on a street

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, Will you buy booze? The bum said, No. The man asked, Will you gamble it away? The bum said, No. Then the man asked, Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?

07
Dec

How come they dont let

How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?

Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.

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