10
Aug

Whos Fishing?

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husbands best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while theyre just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the womans house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

Hello? Oh, hi. Im so glad that you called. Really? Thats wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, Who was that?

Oh she replies, That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time hes having on his fishing trip with you.

10
Aug

Pinocchio Kidnapped!

Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?

Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.

For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!

10
Aug

Fuckawee Indians

When the new school year starts the history teacher is so excited because there
are three little Indian boys in her class. She is beside herself with
excitement.

So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what
tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and
hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I am a Cherokee. My Father
and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this
land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.

The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The
little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits
it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I am a Comanche. My Father and I
walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land.
This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche.

The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little
Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his
chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I
am a Fuckawee.

The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, I dont think there is any such tribe
as the Fuckawee.

The little boy says, My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. And
many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no
rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stopped and with his
hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looked around. He said, Hmm, where the
Fuckawee.

10
Aug

The Engineer and the Bike

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit."

10
Aug

The God Squad

D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
=========================================================

Date :- 3rd May 0023

TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.

Dear Sirs,

It is Mr. Christs understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the
highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:

That the title of the book be The Holy Bible and not as you
propose, Hot and Salty – Our Sexy Saviors Saucy Story.
That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the virgin birth scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be
exised forthwith.
That the death scene to be pepped up as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large
cast.
That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to My
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.
That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
And the so called Parable of the Leather Undergarment be removed
or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesnt see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your
previous books, especially Murderburger Hell-High and Slutslaughter –
Slashin the Winded. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for Shake n Vac.

Yours sincerely.

Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.

10
Aug

The perfect squelch

A dense fog halted all flights from the big airport. The lobby soon filled with passengers eager to be on their way. Most of them philosophically accepted the airlines obvious explanation about the fog.

One whippersnapperish woman, however, refused to be satisfied. Taking a position directly in front of the counter, she rejected all efforts of a young assistant manager to explain the delay.

Finaly she said, Young man, I dont believe you know what you are talking about. I insist on speaking to the person responsible for delaying my flight.

In a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, the young man said into his telephone, Hello, operator, would you connect this party with Extension One in Heaven?

From Sat. Evening Post, Sep/Oct 95, p. 82

10
Aug

The fastest fan

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, theres one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. Why do they move at different speeds, he asked. St.Peter said, Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life.

The newcomer looked around and then asked, Do you have one of these for Laloo Prasad Yadav ? St. Peter answered, Sure, it is in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan!!

10
Aug

Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

Present it to the president of the United States.
Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
Take it apart.

As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

Innocence.
Idealism.
Cherry bombs.

When is it okay to kiss another male?

When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

What about hugging another male?

If hes your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
If youre performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this males trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
If youre a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

He is legally within the basepath,
Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…

…remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
…reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
…tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimers disease and cancer.

In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A cat.
A dog.
A dog that eats cats.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. Shes attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy – youre watching a football game; shes reading the papers – when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says shes not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you dont want to rush it.
That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that youll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you dont want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
Tell her what?

One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

Do they need to eat or anything?
Theyre in school already?
There are three of them?

When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that youre not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

He was being tested.
He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
He refused to ask directions.

What is the human races single greatest achievement?

Democracy.
Religion.
Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimers disease and cancer.

10
Aug

Bovine Hijinx

What do cows do for fun?
They go to MOO-vies!

09
Aug

Redneck computer term

Bug – The reason you is a givn for calling in sick.

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