07
Feb

Man with no arms.

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, I dont mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied, Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says, sure.

The guy with no arms says, I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, Sure, I guess.

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out.

When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him,

I dont mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, –

I dont know but I sure as hell aint touching it!

07
Feb

Some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

Dont let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops Of Water. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the churchs new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

07
Feb

Sharing An Order

There was an elderly couple who went to McDonalds. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered. The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldnt afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years. The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing. He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasnt eating.
She said, Well, its his turn to use the teeth.

07
Feb

Camel and the desert

There was a crew that was working in the desert. And the main guy the head honcho was like, man I need to get laid. Well the crew told them that when they need to they use the camel. The honcho thought about that and thought wow, thats not a bad idea. So nights pass and the crew kept hearing weird noises. So one night they hear the noises again and go check it out. They see the honcho on a ladder screwing the camel. The crew told the honcho we ment we use the camel to ride into town.

07
Feb

Prayer For The Winning

Whats the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

07
Feb

Two beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go


by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.



A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: My poor fellow, dont you understand? This is a Catholic country. People arent going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youre sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.



The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: Moishe, look whos trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.

07
Feb

Imaginative marriages

Just imagine if the following people got married…

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

07
Feb

Immigration Responses?

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The Mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican, of course, agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow … Now use all them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok … The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?

07
Feb

Three pregnant women (one of them is blonde)

Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gyneas waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says Im gonna have a son coz my husband was on top!

Then the red says If thats the case, then Im gonna have a daughter coz I was on top!.

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries IM GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!

07
Feb

Blonde quickies 121-140

121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …

123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

A: Ones a busy ditch.

128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?

A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.

129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?

A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.

138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

139. Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Dont tell her to swallow.