04
Nov

Yo mama so ugly…

Yo mama so ugly she went to a haunted house and they offered her a job.

04
Nov

Princess Diana alive?!

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?

A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

04
Nov

20 Things To Do At A Drive Thru

1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9.Ask how they fit into that little box. 10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order? 12.When asked if they can take your order say No, why cant I take yours? 13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it. 17.Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. 19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare. 20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

04
Nov

Brain cell development

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a males reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty not only the size of the male and female brains differ but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are known in medical terms as Republicans.

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as Democrats.

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as … Mr. President.

04
Nov

The Haircut

This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, I want my hair cut, so that its long here, here, here, and here…, sort of wavy in this section but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here. The barber looked at him and said, I dont think I can do that! Why not? said the guy. You did the last time I was here!

04
Nov

Woman who hates herself

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me. She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption.

She approached the consultation like the oysters in The Walrus and The Carpenter, all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

Whats your problem? I asked.

I hate myself.

And youve come for a second opinion?

Theodore Dalrymples medical column in the British publication The Spectator, 17 May 1997

04
Nov

Fart categorizations

Weve seen fart categorizations before, but this one is a bit diff.

THE ANTICIPATED FART:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART:
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?
THE BARRED OWL FART:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. Its a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART:
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON FART:
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART:
A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
THE ECHO FART:
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
THE G AND L FART:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART:
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:
This is strictly an old ladys fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, My, my, or Well, well. There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old persons fart as there is.
THE JERK FART:
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART:
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the persons trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART:
The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg – as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE QUIVER FART:
A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART:
Sound or odor dont matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, Wow, what a relief. Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART:
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART:
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART:
S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE SKILLSAW FART:
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART:
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART:
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STUTTER FART:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that cant seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
THE TACO BELL FART:
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD IM ALONE FART:
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God Im alone. Then you get out of there.
THE TICKLE FART:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

04
Nov

The $10 Million Reason to get Married

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy
husband finally confronted her.

Admit it, Linda, he said, The only reason you married me is because
my grandfather left me $10 million.

Dont be ridiculous! she shot back. I dont care who left it to
you.

04
Nov

Interolrable Weather and Sterotypes.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65 degrees:

Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 degrees:

Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 degrees:

Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 degrees:

Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 degrees:

You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 degrees:

Italian cars dont start

* 32 degrees:

Water freezes

* 30 degrees:

You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 degrees:

Ohio water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

* 20 degrees:

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 degrees:

French cars dont start

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 degrees:

You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 degrees:

American cars dont start

* 0 degrees:

Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 degrees:

German cars dont start

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 degrees:

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 degrees:

Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

Japanese cars dont start

* -25 degrees:

Too cold to think

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 degrees:

You plan a two week hot bath

Swedish cars dont start

* -40 degrees:

Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your cat helps you plan your trip South

* -50 degrees:

Congressional hot air freezes

Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 degrees:

Hell freezes over

Polar bears move South

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 degrees:

Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

03
Nov

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, hes acting.