Sign on a hospital bulletin board

Colloquium announcement:

Research shows the first five minutes of life
can be the most risky.

Hand-written note underneath:

The last five minutes arent so hot either.


At a Cambridge checkout counter

(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says its a classic).

A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the EXPRESS–EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS
sign, and says to the student, Are you from Harvard, where they
dont know how to count, or MIT, where they dont know how to read?


Indian Universal Language

Whats the national language of India?


Not Jewish

A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy persons door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. Im collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and Im wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldnt want to make a little contribution.

The homeowner replies, The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.

Are you sure?, asks the Meshulach.

Sir, Im positive, replies the homeowner.

But, says the meshulach, It says here that youre Jewish, and my records are never wrong.

I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you arent Jewish? demands the Meshulach.

For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasnt Jewish either!


How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your room?

Grease her hips and push.


The sick man who has got HAGS

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some news. You have HAGS.

What is HAGS the man asks. Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me? says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door



Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, So, whos gonna tell his wife? They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse. Discreet? Im the most discreet person youll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me. Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. Tell him to drop dead! yells the wife. Ill go tell him. says Goldberg.


Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?

Sure, replied Jesus. What do I have to do?

Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.

Sounds easy enough. OK.

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, What was it you did for a living?

The old man replied, I was a carpenter.

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. Did you have any family? he asked.

Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.

Jesus leaned forward some more. You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?

Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, Father?

The old man leaned forward and whispered, Pinocchio?


Top 10 things not to say to a cop

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?

5. I pay your salary!

6. Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.

8. Officer, I swear to drunk Im god!!

9. Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

10. When the Officer says Gee Son…. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You probably shouldnt respond with, Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?


Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

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