15
May

By My Side

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

Zelda, youve always been by my side

When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

And now when Im dying; you are at my side…………

Zelda, youre a fucking jinx!!

15
May

Farting guest and dog called Spot

A young man was invited to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet his soon-to-be inlaws.

During dinner, the man realized he had to fart. He pinched his cheeks to hold it in as long as he could. But pretty soon, he was so uncomfortable, he just decided to try and let it quietly slip out (make your favorite fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! which was the family dogs name.

Well, the young man was very relieved, thinking to himself, They think the dog farted. Whew! Im safe.

As the dinner progressed, the young man broke wind a few more times and each time the girls father would yell, Spot!

Towards the end of the meal, the young man really let one rip (add your best fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! Get over here before he shits all over you!

15
May

Check out those Canadians

Relayed-From: diamond@jit533.swstokyo.dec.com (Norman Diamond)

In article <…> brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner) writes:

So the next time someone tells you your cheque (Canadianism) is in the mail,
you just might think about believing it.

The spelling of cheque is an Englishism. The fact that its been in the
mail for the last 8 years and hasnt arrived yet, thats a Canadianism.

15
May

Wanted: Woman!

Seen in the want ads:

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

15
May

Top 10 chapter titles in Hillary Clintons book on entertaining

Whoops! Never Seat Your Husbands Mistresses Next To One Another
Nothing But the Best When the Taxpayers Picking Up the Tab
Arranging Hors doeuvres So They Subliminally Spell Divorce Me
What To Do When Your Husbands Mistress Arrives in the Same Dress As You
Roger Clinton: An Ideal Coffee Table
How To Keep Willie Nelson Off Your Roof
What Sort Of Drinking Game Do You Have In Mind, Mr. Yeltsin?
How to Make My Famous If-I-Cant-Have-You-No-One-Can PoisonMeatloaf
How I Plan to Deport Martha Stewart
When Entertaining Chinese Dignitaries, Always Bow First to The One Whos Given You the Most Cash

15
May

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

15
May

Quotes about American Miliraty

Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff …

From a Russian document:

one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.

Quote from a German general officer:

The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.

15
May

14 things to do at the movies

1. When waiting to buy your tickets, ask if you can cut in front of the person in front of you. if and when they say no, wait two minutes, and ask again. keep doing this until you reach the ticket person. 2. When buying your tickets, order one for each movie and ask if they think you can make it to all of them on time. 3. When buying the tickets order one for a movie, then change your mind after they have given it to you. Repeat until you have gotten through all the movies and say, Oh, i think ill just stick to the first one. 4. When standing in line for snacks, glare at everyone and yell, Do you know how much fat there is in all of this? You people should be ashamed of yourselves, sitting on your butts in a movie theater and then eating 4 million calories before you leave! When it is your turn, order an extra large soda, popcorn, 2 hotdogs, 3 orders of nachos, ice cream, and candy. 5. When the snack bar person asks what you want, say, You. And put extra butter on that! 6. When finding a seat, try and take up as many as possible and when someone tries to sit down say, Whats wrong with you? Cant you see that Tom is sitting there? 7. During the previews, keep saying, This is bull! Show the movie! 8. When the movie starts, yell, Wait! I want to see more previews! 9. During the movie, keep whispering to the person next to you. When the shush you, shush them back and say, Will you please shut up? Im tryhing to watch the movie! 10. Laugh obnoxiously 5 seconds after teh joke is over, and keep laughing for about 10 seconds after everyone has stopped. (works well in dramas or tragedies that have virtually no comedy.) 11. During the movie, suddenly yell, These people cant act for their lives! I could do much better! Then proceed to stand right in front of the screen and mimic the actors. 12. Keep talking to your invisible friend next to you, saying things like Dont you hate it when people talk

14
May

Knock Knock Whos there? Fatso! Fatso who? Fatso the

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fatso!
Fatso who?
Fatso the matter with you!

14
May

You refer to your truck

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

Youve ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

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