03
Nov

Nostalgia isnt what it used

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

03
Nov

Choppy skies – a true story

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune Travel section on Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled Choppy Skies: A White-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange …

Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted. Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilots voice came over the loudspeaker. Were all ready to go ladies and gentlemen.

However, weve been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasnt arrived. Since weve already waited so long,were just going to be flying without a copilot today. There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and AirZimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange. Here he paused. Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems. No one in Plattners group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so they stayed onboard for the one-hour flight.

Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just dont want you to worry. That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom. Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence. Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud ping! and went sailing down the aisle. The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldnt budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit.

Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering. Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do? After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him. Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a little shakier this time than before. Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!

03
Nov

Jesus cannot pass through gates of Heaven

Jesus walks towards the gates of Heaven, quietly whistling for himself.

St. Peter raises his eyes from the books and shouts: You! Hey, you! Where do you think youre going?

Err … St. Peter? You dont recognize me? Why Im Jesus! Im on my way to see my father!

Jesus, Schmesus, says St. Peter. Come on, boy, surely you can come up with something better than that. How do you expect me to believe you are Jesus? Go away, youre wasting my time.

But Peter! Weve gone a long way together! Its me, Jesus! You have to remember me!

You? Jesus? You make me laugh. Jesus – with that beard? And those dirty clothes? Hah. No way youll get past me pretending youre Jesus.

Depressed, Jesus turns around and begins to slowly walk away. After a couple of secs, St. Peter says: Hey, Jesus.

Yes?

Smile. Youre on Candid Camera!

03
Nov

Rooster in His Declining Years

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hes a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird."So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "Youre on," he said, "and since Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little — but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. Thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month."

03
Nov

Gender Designations

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, theres the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female! Consider this: It gives a man pleasure. Hed be lost without it. And while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

03
Nov

Pregnancy Advice…

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A. Depends on what youre doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Cause youre fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A. So whats your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A. Yes, but its much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What causes baby blues?

A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

03
Nov

Brunette Meets Genie

A Brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says,You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much. The woman says,Okay. Give me a nice house. The genie replies, You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two. The the lady asks,Give me a gorgeous man. The genie replies,You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two. The lady says,For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there, beat me half to death with it.

03
Nov

The Captain and the Pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, Bring me my red shirt!

The first mate quickly retrieved the captains red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the days events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid.

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.

The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!

02
Nov

Yo Mamas So Ugly

Yo mamas so ugly when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted windows!!!!!!!

02
Nov

New Bra

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a new bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!