04
Dec

A Man and His Pet Penguins

A man pulls up to a gas station on a very hot day and the young attendant just happened to glance in the backseat, where he sees two penguins. He says, “Sir, it is so hot outside. Those two penguins belong at the zoo!”“Yes, you are right,” the man said. “Thank you.”The next day, the guy comes to buy more gas and the penguins are standing up on the back seat wearing sunglasses. The young guy says, “Man, you said that you were taking them to the zoo.”“Well, yes, I took them and they liked it so much that today we are going to the beach.”

04
Dec

25 stress reducing thoughts

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink isnt enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies acculumlate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

This is as bad as it can get, but dont bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is that youre half way through it before you realize that its a do-it-yourself thing.

04
Dec

2002 University of Nebraska football recruiting list

Wayfroy P. Jackson: 66, 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last ten years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette player. Holds world record for the most you knows during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name. Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 63, 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Melrose High School, Charlotte, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19 TV under each arm. Roosevelt Dude Dansell: 61, 195 lbs. Running Back. From Omaha. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as red brick. Woodrow Lee Washington: 68, 310 lbs. Tackle. At 19 hes the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims
Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because The dude said something bad bout Momma. On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20. Will Night Train Smith: 64, 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the N on Nebraskas helmets stands for Nowledge, but still meets this schools stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing
number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT Exam. John Python Peoples: 610, 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Note: School track coaches will use several of the above signees in the track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track m

04
Dec

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It was not published in a referred journal.
Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world– but what has he done since?
His cooperative efforts have been limited.
The scientific community has a hard time replicating His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
He rarely came to class, and told students to just read the Book.
Some say He had His Son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed
His test.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

04
Dec

Friend of the Groom?

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

I dont have one, she said. Well then, are you a friend of the groom? I should say not, snapped the woman, Im the brides mother!

04
Dec

NYSE admits: This is all make believe

NEW YORK – New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nations economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics.

The whole stock exchange idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal, NYSEs Ian Silver said. So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a stock-ticker device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint.

NYSE has no plans to disband.

04
Dec

Blond Guy and HIs Lunch

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch Im gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich Im goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish mans wife said, Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didnt like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexicans wife then said, If I only knew he didnt like burritos, I would have packed something else. Finally, the blonde mans wife siad I dont know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.

04
Dec

The artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

Thats wonderful, the artist exclaimed. Whats the bad news?

The guy was your doctor …

04
Dec

Credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

04
Dec

The Los Angeles Police Department

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

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