19
Nov

Knock Knock Whos there? Howie! Howie who! Im fine,

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howie!
Howie who!
Im fine, how are you!

19
Nov

Clinton one-liner

Why doesnt Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? Socialism

19
Nov

Q: How many lightbulbs

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isnt too easy.

19
Nov

Walk Out Of Church

I hope you didnt take it personally, Reverend, an embarassed woman said after a church service, when my husband walked out during your sermon.

I did find it rather disconcerting, the preacher replied.

Its not a reflection on you, sir, insisted the church goer. Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.

19
Nov

A Dollar for Israel

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

Excuse me, sir he asked the old gentleman, where did you get all this money?

Vell, Ill tell you, the old man began, for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say Give me a dollar for Israel or Ill cut off your testicles vit my knife.

Thats quite a story, the customs agent said, whats in the second suitcase?

Vell, you know, said the old man, shaking his head, not everyone likes to give…

19
Nov

Turnaround is fair play!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?



She yells, No, I wont sleep with you tonight!



Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.



After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.



To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200!?

19
Nov

Sign in a restaurant window:

Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: Todays special. Below it says: Sos tomorrow.

Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies cant be wrong).

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.

Sign in a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

19
Nov

Too much speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

But, officer, the man began, I can explain

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

19
Nov

If you cannot dazzle them

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.

19
Nov

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

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