31
Oct

Why americans should never be allowed to travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldnt get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, Im not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Dont lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.
I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said, But they look so close on the map.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whos luggage belongs to who? I said,No, why do you ask? She replied, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and Im overweight, is there any connection? After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, How do I know which plane to get on? I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, I need to fly to Pepsi cola on one of those computer planes. I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, Yeah, whatever.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those. I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.
A woman called to make reservations, I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: Are you sure thats the name of the town? Yes, what flights do you have? replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back ith, Im sorry, maam, Ive looked up every airport code in the country and cant find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted, Oh dont be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, You dont mean Buffalo, do you? Thats it! I knew it was a big animal!

31
Oct

Ill die for you

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred. Ill die for you!

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, How many times?

31
Oct

Others Before Me?

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, Well, Im waiting.

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, Well, Im still counting.

31
Oct

Best Time to Buy Things?

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.



— Marty Allen

31
Oct

Nickles from your Asshole

This is Offensive. If you do NOT want to be offended please do not read on. 😉

Poet

Dear Friends,

My name is Norm and Ive got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me… A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOULL SHIT A PENNY!

Lets look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you…

Thats 21,250 – OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS… RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Lets say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if theyre the same people who got pissed off at _you_, thats still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERES NO ONE LEFT… BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOULL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, youll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But thats nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works. Its a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! Theyll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOULL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,

I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. Ive become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sincerely,

B. A. Schmuck

Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,

Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But Im sore no more and Im rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

Yours Always,

Cherry B. Toodles

Los Angeles, California

Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and youll shit nickels too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit.demon.co.uk and your letter might just be in the next version!

[chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related injuries]

31
Oct

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

31
Oct

Dead Kitten

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

Grandma, what happened to the kitten? It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

Where does a kitten go when it dies? God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?

31
Oct

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "Well just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about….. I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

31
Oct

Skin diving joke

An avid skin diving treasure hunter became disillusioned after spending his entire Florida vacation searching for underwater treasure, only to find none at all.

Disheartened, he spent his last day simply paddling around in the shallow waters near the shore. The entire scene seeemed really dark, when he banged his shin on something unseen on the bottom.

Digging down to find out the cause of his pain, he found an old chest full of precious gems, silver and gold.

That, of course, brightened his outlook considerably. He was heard to remark afterwards, It only goes to show you that booty is shin deep!

30
Oct

You haul more than U-Haul.Your

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, The feud is back on!

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.