08
Jan

How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?

Q: How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?

A: Shoot 10 of them.

08
Jan

Sandwich

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, Sorry sir, we dont serve food here!!

08
Jan

Doing IT My Way

Theres the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, Ill give $20,000 to any woman here wholl come into the desert with me and do it MY way.

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him Just what is your way?

On credit.

08
Jan

New and unabridged

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS:
the one true operating system.
Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease.
Karmageddon:
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

08
Jan

All-Purpose Excuse Form Letter

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble youve gotten in. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!Dear:

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should nothave pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused isbeyond my ability to

a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly withinyour rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) Im going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

08
Jan

The Amish Carriage

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …

Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

08
Jan

Blonde Suicide

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”

08
Jan

Three Girls

There were three girls in a bar. One girl says…

I can get a whole hand up my cunt!

Then the second girl says well, I can get a whole foot up mine!

Finally, the other girl says I dont mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!

08
Jan

1998 Bumper Stickers

  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
  • Im just driving this way to tick you off.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
  • Keep honking, Im reloading.
  • Hang up and drive.
  • Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
  • Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  • I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.
  • Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
  • If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.



Received from William Conway.

07
Jan

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!