06
Sep

The Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

06
Sep

Burglar

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. Hes sure that
theres nobody home but he sneaks in, doesnt turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

He freezes in his tracks! He doesnt move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats I can see you! Jesus can
see you, too!

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. Did you say that?

The parrot says again, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

Hah! So what?! Youre just a parrot! says the burglar.

I may be just a parrot, replies the parrot. But Jesus is a
Doberman!

06
Sep

Top 10 signs you are in a bad motel

10. The complimentary paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 9. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. 8. The magic fingers vibration is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. 7. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow 6. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes. 5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it. 4. Theres a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers. 3. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you. 2. The only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it. 1. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

06
Sep

Man wants tires but does not have a car

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

06
Sep

What do you call it when a blonde has a zit on her butt?

A brain tumor

06
Sep

Wedding Performance

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

Dad, says the son, what do I do tonight? Im very nervous.

Dont worry, comforts the father. Its all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

06
Sep

Back to back lovemaking

Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, Judi, my love, youll never believe it, dear, but Ive discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.

Really, she said, interested at once. What is it?

Back to back, Jon replies.

But thats crazy. We cant do anything back to back.

Yes, we can, he says. Ive persuaded another couple to help out!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

05
Sep

Knock Knock Whos there? Aladdin! Aladdin who? Aladdin the

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

05
Sep

Q: How many LP

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck… getting stuck… getting stuck…

05
Sep

What is a brunette between two blondes?

What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.

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