06
Nov

Why women dont need watches

Why dont women need a watch?

Theres a clock on the stove.

06
Nov

New College Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You dont need new shoes everyday.4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9. Valuation: Just because its not important to you.10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.14. Real women drink their share at a party.15. Telephones: How to hang up.16. Parking: Beginners Course.17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.23. PMS: Your problem – not his.

06
Nov

Not so wise

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, See, it says right here, The three wise men came from afar!

06
Nov

E-mail humor: Flame formulas for fun

Friends,

As the new year heats up with the lists customary misunderstandings I wanted to make a few suggestions so that we never have to go without. The list nearly died of neglect over the holidays when people went out of town and forgot to post parting shots at their favorite adversaries. Without those little arrows of rancor and wit the digital fires nearly expired and the communications depended on humor and sexual innuendo to keep any kind of passion in play.

In order to avoid such a bleak period again, empty of the juicier emotions and wittier, sharp edged repartee, I offer the following. The principles have been successfully tested time and time again as many of you have witnessed. Please feel free to draw on them when bored, feeling malicious but uninspired, when your self esteem needs a hit of self righteousness to get straight, or anytime youre in the mood for a brawl. The principles applied with thought, or especially without thought, are guaranteed to give you a rush of indignation and adrenalin. Develop your skill and you can enjoy not only the contest with its delicious sense of meaningful conflict but also the pleasure of crushing the opponents pride. (And how sweet it is.)

Make sure you bring up your views on abortion, capital punishment, Christianity, and the political party you least like, regularly. When you do so, do so with vigor, enthusiasm, and scorching wit. Who knows, you may eventually beat those who embrace the opposite (wrong) side of the argument into submission and they will convert to your views, thereby making the world a better place.

Refer to your opponents in arguments (or debates that hold the promise of becoming arguments) as facists as often as possible. Suggest that their views parallel the Nazis at least once in any good flame war.

Point out the shortcomings of the opposite gender. Use tasteless jokes. Base all characterizations of the opposite gender on the very worst traits of your ex or current spouse, or your ex or current love interest. If you havent personally been mistreated while remaining spotlessly innocent use other peoples histories.

When youve managed to get a good heated exchange going try to score points by using a vocabulary that will drive your opponent to the dictionary. Mock any attempts on their part to do the same. If possible humiliate them with ironic references to misspellings, ill conceived sentence construction, or, best, inappropriate word usage. Winning in this area makes you sexier.

Never apologize. If you make an error in thinking blame it on the muddy post to which you are responding. If you act like an idiot, a boor, a bore, or a whiner, do the same.

When inspired make sure you word your attacks and counterattacks so that you leave no opening for your adversary to capitulate to your view except in disgrace. Try to make certain that every avenue of response is a path of shame.

If you start to slip in an argument attack the person. Its most helpful to know something personal about them but the medium has restrictions in this area. I recommend keeping a catalog of stupid, awkward, or embarrassing posts that people make so you can throw them in their face later as proof of their deficiencies as a human.

If someone does the same to you respond that in their reliance on ad hominem attacks the argument has deteriorated to a level that no longer warrants your participation. This can be a winning blow if played properly. Be subtle here, and clever; try to convey the sense of your opponent as dim-witted, ethically degenerate, desperate, and outmanuevered by your overwhelming intellectual superiority. The real joy here is that you can neatly do away with any respect due your opponent, slander his character, lacerate his pride, and, if done properly and with elan, simultaneously represent yourself as a man or woman whose ethics and moral sensitivity make it impossible for you to do what you just did. This one is a real gem and when executed gracefully an act of art.

Remember that you are always right. And I do mean always. No matter what forces are marshalled against you, no matter how reasonable, humble, or generous, dont give an inch, dont be swayed. You are always right. Its the other side that caused this ruckus and keeps it going.

Always insist on the last word. The only honorable finish is unconditional capitulation by your adversaries or their defeated silence.

I trust that these guidelines will be of aid. I find myself too often relegated to the sideline carrying as I do the sandwich board for a business on my digital body. So onward comrades! Dont flag! Dont apologize! Draw out your rapier wit, your unshielded anger, your superiority, your sarcasm, your electric selves! Think of your great beauty as you weave back and forth, the words your blades. Eventually Ill get a second internet account and, being then anonymous and free of reflecting negatively on the business, will join you. How my blood cries out!

With envy,

Mark Dahlby

http://www.writers.com/

06
Nov

I Can Tell This Job Sucks Already

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

06
Nov

How To Bathe A Cat

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

06
Nov

Talking to a brick wall

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.



In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!



She watches the bearded old man at prayer–and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.



Im Jane Collins from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying? For about 50 years, he informs her.



50 years! Thats amazing! What do you pray for?



I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.



And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?



Like Im talking to a brick wall.

06
Nov

Patient and psychiatrist

Doctor, said the patient, I had a peculiar dream last night. I dreamed you were my mother.

So? said the psychiatrist. What happened?

Nothing – I woke up

And then?

I had breakfast

And what did you have for breakfast?

Oh, just a piece of toast and a cup of coffee

Call that a breakfast? said the psyciatrist.

06
Nov

Plumbing

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $

600.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied… Neither did I when I was a doctor!

06
Nov

Jewish Mothers – from Leo Rosten

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers
capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two
neckties on Chanuka.

The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was
wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried
back. Look, Mama! Isnt it gorgeous?

Mama asked, Whats the matter? You dont like the other one?

from Hooray For Yiddish by Leo Rosten

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