14
May

3 stranded men

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing offguard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

I know said the manager. Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and well be on our way.

No, said the hardware engineer. Ive got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and well be on our way.

Wait, said the software engineer. Before we do anything, shouldnt we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?

14
May

Soakin Wet!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, Son what happened?

I jumped in that creek down the road.

Why did you do that?

I dunno.

His dad was very angry and said, If you jump in that creek again, just because, Im gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?

Yes dad. replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, Didnt I tell you not to jump in that creek again?

Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.

Ok dad. replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!

I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!

14
May

Men are Like…

Men are like…….



…..Placemats.

They only show up when theres food on the table.



…..Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



…..Bike helmets.

Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.



…..Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.



…..Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but thats about it.



…..Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.



…..Bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.



…..High heels.

Theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.



…..Curling irons.

Theyre always hot, and theyre always in your hair.



…..Mini skirts.

If youre not careful, theyll creep up your legs.



…..Handguns.

Keep one around long enough, and youre going to want to shoot it.


14
May

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

14
May

Is it a Sin?

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

14
May

Crazy doctor

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly. The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.
You son of a bitch says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again. He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.
Oh my god, I am going to kill you says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time. He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead.

13
May

Dictionary of

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

13
May

Types of computer viruses

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and were not exactly sure what it does.

13
May

Q: How many Apple and

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while theyre arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

13
May

A Drink Problem

I have got a drink problem…..

Ive got two hands, but only one mouth…..

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