The Walrus

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?

To find a tight Seal.


Doing business on the opposite coast

[Found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.]

Heres a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
customers, or other divisions on the left coast.

East Coast West Coast

absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joes working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or youre fired Im confident youll get it done
fuck off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office lets get consensus on this one
hes a jerk hes not signed on to our plan
hes a subordinate hes a team player
Ill cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, hes new Im bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot lets take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
thats totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we havent started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
were done how do you feel about that?
whats your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
wheres the spec? whats a spec?
wheres the schedule? whats the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan


Three Dogs

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.


What is 1 + 2 ?

(Heard this morning on Radio 4, the Today programme)

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, youll find
that its reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I wont tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.


Changing Schools.

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boys parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarters report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red A under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their sons room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, No.

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? No. The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum? No, said the son.

On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!


Password to get to heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: Hello. How are you? Weve been waiting for you. Good to see you.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?

You have to spell a word, Saint Peter told her.

Which word? the woman asked.


The woman correctly spelled l-o-v-e, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. Im surprised to see you, the woman said. How have you been?

Oh, Ive been doing pretty well since you died, her husband told her. I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?

You have to spell a word, the woman told him.

Which word? her husband asked.



Super Market Checkout

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought shed die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.

As if that wasnt bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word Tampax for Thumbtacks.

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?



Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.


Confucious say: Man who go to bed…….

Confucious say:

Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.


Fine Dining

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

Im sorry sir, but I am blind and cant read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, Ill smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind mans table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Ahh, yes thats what Ill have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owners wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

Sir, remember ? Im the blind man.

Im sorry, I didnt recognise you. Ill go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great, Ill take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in hes going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says…

Hey! I didnt know that Mary worked here!

Page 30 of 3,798« First...1020...2829303132...405060...Last »