Piss Drunk

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”


You know your life sucks when…

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and youre afraid to tell your wife.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your childrens school calls to surrender.
The brides family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you *dont* talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.


What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?

What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?

Answer: Cheap-Cheap


Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.


The fastest fan

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, theres one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. Why do they move at different speeds, he asked. St.Peter said, Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life.

The newcomer looked around and then asked, Do you have one of these for Laloo Prasad Yadav ? St. Peter answered, Sure, it is in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan!!


How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She asked. Hunting Flies He responded. Oh. Killing any? She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.


Baggers and Juicers

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, Sorry, kid, but baggers cant be juicers.


The poor guy got G.A.S.H.

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your tests, and Im sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

G.A.S.H? replies the patient. What the hell is that?

Its a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes, explains the doctor.

My gosh, Doc! screams the man in a panic, what are we going to do?

Well were going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread, says the doctor matter-of-factly.

Will that cure me?

Well no, says the doctor, but its the only food that will fit under the door.


Clinton bumper sticker

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!


An IBM acronym

IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck