11
Mar

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

11
Mar

A teacher was wrapping up

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrows final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family members death.One smart ass male student said, What about extreme sexual exhaustion?, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.

11
Mar

Easy guide to ethnic women

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her youll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isnt home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: Shes pregnant. Shes not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You dont even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: Shes pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sisters boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

11
Mar

Driving Exams

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do. >

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.

11
Mar

Women and Watches

Why dont women need watches?

Because theres a clock on the stove.

11
Mar

The Secrets to a Happy Marriage part 2

Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, Whats on the TV? I said, Dust!In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

11
Mar

Amish Woman Driver

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Maam,” said the cop, “Im not going to ticket you, butI do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”“Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.“Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.“Im not sure, Jacob… something about the emergency brake,” said the lady.

11
Mar

The Drunk!

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.

It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guys yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed…

Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkeys on fire!

11
Mar

Autopsy Class

An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. There are two things you need to make a
career in medical forensics. First, you must have no
fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same,
he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the
class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have
an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this
mans anus, but licked my index finger?

10
Mar

Yo mama has

Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.