A blind man in a store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, What are you doing?!! The blind man replies, Just looking around.


Dead blonde in a closet?

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.


Dont Do Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, How did you do over the weekend? Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…





and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to

the 2nd boy) Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)





I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison……



Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot?

He couldnt face defeet!!


How do pigs communicate to each other by long distance?

ham radio


Collection of Yo Mama Jokes

Yo Mama is so dumb that when somebody said it chilly out side she went to get herself a spoon with a bowl!

ya mama so dumb she took a pencil to the NBA Finals

Yo mama is so fat that the only way your dad could get her though the door is by holding a twinky in front of it!!!

your momma is so stupid she sat on her tv and watched her couch

yo mama is like rotten milk, white and chunky

Yo mommas so fat that when she she wears red everyone yells Hey Kool-Aid!

Yo mama is like a hamburger, all full of fat and only worth $1!

Yo mamas so fat when her beeper went off people thought she was backing up!

Yo mamas so fat she can sell shade

Yo mamas so fat they had to baptize her at Sea World

Yo mamas so fat the shadow of her butt weights 50 pounds

Yo Mama is so ugly her isp shut down her internet account when she appeared on webcam.

yo mamma is soooo fat she tried to get to wal mart stumbled over k mart and landed on target.

Yo mama so fat and stupid she thought the VCR was a pager

Ya mama so poor, she had to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.

your mommas sooo fat….. she walked into a bar during happy hour and got a group discount

Yo Mamma is so ugly, that she walked into a haunted house, and left with a job application

Yo mama is so poor,that she goes to KFC…to lick other peoples fingers!!!.

Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to KFC,she orders the bucket thats on the pole!!!!.

Yo mama is so ugly that every dog she has ever had has taken out a restraining order out on her.

Yo Mama is so fat when she went to school she sat next to everyone.

Yo mamma so fat, shes got more rolls than a bakery!

Yo mamas so ugly that her mom had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo mama is so fat she irons her pants on the driveway.

Yo mamas like a door nob, everyone gets a turn.

Yo mama is like a McDonalds, open 24 hours and over 23 billion served.

Yo mama is so fat it takes 2 planes and a bus to get on the her good side.


Airline Geography

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. Aaah! he said. Were right over my homeland.How can you tell? asked the American.I can feel the cold air. he replied.A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. Aah were right over my homeland. he said.How do you know that? asked the Russian. I can feel the heat of the desert.Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. Aah, were right over New York.The Russian and the African were amazed. How do you know all of that? they exclaimed.The American pulled his hand up. My watch is missing.


Things youll never hear

  • Cindy Crawford:
    Well … Looks arent everything.

  • Yassar Arafat:
    Discrimination? Ill give you discrimination! Israel has over 5 million Jews; we dont have any.

  • Madonna:
    I didnt have a bit of trouble with the singing in the movie, but they did have to dub in most of the acting.

  • Mayor Smoke (Baltimore):
    There are so many muggers around that you cant walk 5 blocks without leaving the scene of a crime.

  • William Clinton:
    Any President who lies to the American people should resign. (Oh wait! He did say that – never mind)

  • Steven Spielberg:
    I just finished my new horror film. Its so bloody, its sure to get a Type A rating.

  • Kenneth Starr:
    I only look at the newspapers every other day. That way, I dont have to read any of the denials.

  • Boris Yeltsin:
    I never worry about waking up to a revolution. If I wake up, theres no revolution.

  • Sharon Stone:
    Todays movies are not only bigger than life, theyre dirtier than life too.

  • Clintons Lawyers:
    Most politicians dont believe a word of what they say. Were amazed that yall do.

Chinese population and cataracts

Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?

The other 80% drive Rincolns.


Puppies dont surf…

Why Dogs dont surf the web…

Cant stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to mark every website they visit.

Cant help attacking the screen when they hear Youve Got Mail.

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway theyre browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs aint GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

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