10
May

Tuns of Puns!

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

Whats the difference between boogers and spinach?

You cant get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?

Ive fallen and I cant giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesnt fart in public?

A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?

A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?

You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?

A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

10
May

Offensive to doctors

Q: Whats a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.


A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.

The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!


Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.

One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?

St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.


Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?

A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.


Paul Randolph

Okayama, Japan

10
May

Illinois

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. You are truly a wise Vet, they said. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, My wife is from Illinois.

10
May

George W Bush meets Moses!

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses? The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses? The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, YES, I AM!

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

10
May

Viagra and prune juice diet

The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

10
May

Jewish Haiku

After the warm rain


the sweet smell of camellias.


Did you wipe your feet?


*****


Her lips near my ear,


Aunt Sadie whispers the name


of her friends disease.


*****


Today I am a man.


Tomorrow I will return


to the seventh grade.


*****


Testing the warm milk


on her wrist, she sighs softly.


But her son is forty.


*****


The sparkling blue sea


reminds me to wait an hour


after my sandwich.


*****


Lacking fins or tail


the gefilte fish swims with


great difficulty.


*****


Like a bonsai tree,


your terrible posture


at my dinner table.


*****


Beyond Valium,


the peace of knowing ones child


is an internist.


*****


Jews on safari —


map, compass, elephant gun,


hard sucking candies.


*****


The same kimono


the top geishas are wearing:


I got it at Loehmanns.


*****


The shivah visit:


so sorry about your loss.


Now back to my problems.


*****


Mom, please! There is no


need to put that dinner roll


in your pocketbook.


*****


Seven-foot Jews in


the NBA slam-dunking!


My alarm clock rings.


*****


Sorry Im not home


to take your call. At the tone


please state your bad news.


*****


Is one Nobel Prize


so much to ask from a child


after all Ive done?


*****


Today, mild shvitzing.


Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz.


Five-day forecast: feh


*****


Passover



Left the door open


for the Prophet Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.


*****


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.


Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah


Oy! To be fluent!


*****


Quietly murmured


at Saturday services,


Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.


*****


A lovely nose ring,


excuse me while I put my


head in the oven.


****


Hard to tell under the lights.


White Yarmulke or


male-pattern baldness.

10
May

Dating

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.



“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,” she says.



Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.



When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?”



“No Mom, he’s not,” replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.



Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?”

10
May

Death in the Family!

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. What happened…why are you crying?

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically… I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

10
May

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

09
May

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Dont think that youre thinking. If you think that youre thinking you only think that youre thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it, when a door is open its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not adoor?