13
May

Bank Etiquette

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account.



The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?



Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!



Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.



So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the problem here?



Theres no damn problem, the man says, I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!



I see, says the manager, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

13
May

Real Women

How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
None. A Real Woman would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

13
May

CIA agent requirments

Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: Heres a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her.

So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: I tried, but I just can not do it.

The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.

Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,

Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA, to which the man replies: Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!

13
May

Q: What do you call three blondes, sitting at a bar, singing, drinking Tab, and eating apples?

A: The moron Tab & apple choir.

13
May

Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.

Would you like to buy a flashlight? asks the boy. The lover said he didnt think so.

Sure would be bad if dad found out about this, observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?

The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boys fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, Cant, dad; sold my fishing rod.

Dad says, That old thing? How much did you get for it?

When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

The priest replied, Oh no, were not going through that again!

12
May

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Its irrelevant; they still dont know theyre in the dark!

12
May

Q: How many surgeons

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

12
May

Q: How many people

Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually its only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.

12
May

Clinton & The Puppie

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.

Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.

As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.

He went to the little girl and said Awww…those are the cutest puppies

The little girl said These arent puppies. I call them Democrats.

Bill thought this was really sweet and said Well, thats so sweet!

A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.

The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said Watch this.

He asked the little girl, What have you got there? Puppies?

The little girl shook her head and said No, not puppies, I call them Republicans.

Bill was shocked. He said But I thought you said they were Democrats???

The little girl said Well, they were…but now theyve got their eyes open!!

12
May

Excessive Demands

A farmers wife was at her lawyers getting advice about a divorce.

He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones.

How do you mean?

Well, Mr. Jones, says the farmers wife, this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!

Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didnt know you kept chickens.

We dont, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!

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