Some puns….

A mans home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.


Canada temperature conversion

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
50 above:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
40 above:
Italian cars wont start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
20 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
-0 –
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
20 below:
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadas Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival classes until it gets cold
80 below:
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadians rent some videos.
100 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated when they cant thaw the keg.
297 below:
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below:
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying….Cold nuff for ya?
500 below:
Hell freezes over.
The Canadian Hockey team wins Olympic gold.


Top 10 Signs Someone Plays too Many Video Games

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.9. Theyre not sure what season, or year it is.8. Theyre best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.5. Their fingers twitch all the time.4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.1. Someone is reading this to them, cause theyre too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.


Teaching Math Through the Decades

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 1970 (new maths): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. 1990: (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?) 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed because this encourages investment.


How to Write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, seriously, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if shes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while youre at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didnt get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.


Who Let The Blondes Out?

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five — one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.


Polish Air Disaster

First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember

its just a joke!

Polandss Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater

Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in

central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far

and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the



Mildly off color story using fractured French

(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:

Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.

Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau

Ma femme est morte.

O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!

(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)


List of lines to use when signing you valentine

The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine … depending on your personality:

Bold – face it, you want me

Clever – IOUXOXO

Cosmic – Didnt we know each other in another time and place?

Dreamy – I never believed in love at first sight until you

Enchantress – A valentine spell has been cast on you!

Femme Fatale – You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.

Athletic – How about a little one-on-one?

Musical – Always a love song in my heart for you.

No-nonsense – What are you waiting for?

Old fashioned – My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.

Sarcastic – Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?

Scientific – The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.

Self-assured – Be my valentine. NO is not an option.

Silly – Youre hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!

Wild Child – You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.

Worldly – Je taime! (translation from French I love you)

Hope you find one to sign on your card to your significant other and dont forget Valentines Day the 14th!!!


Easy To Operate On

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.

The second said, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The third said, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable.

Joke found on http://www.poddys.com