05
Aug

Wide Load

You know youre a redneck if your house still has the WIDE LOAD sign on the back.

05
Aug

Lost Fingers

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do.

I havent got the fingers. The doctor says, What do you mean, you havent got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. Weve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didnt you bring me the fingers?

Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldnt pick em up!

05
Aug

Bear in Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont give beer to bears in bars.
The bear replies, If you dont give me a beer, Ill eat that lady over there.

The bartender says, Go ahead.

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont give beer to bears on drugs.

What do mean, says the bear. Im not on drugs.

Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.

05
Aug

Rough Time

Theres this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying. No, its not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Im late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when Im thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .

05
Aug

Hmmm…

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?



Thanx to Giggles Humor List.

05
Aug

Priest and the Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.



After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?



The Rabbi says, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.



The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork? To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork. The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.



Later during the flight, the Rabbi asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?



The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.



The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?



The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.



The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

05
Aug

Learn Chinese

Ever wanted to learn a language OTHER than English? Well, heres your first Chinese lesson…

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat

Its very dark in here – Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King

You are not very bright – Yu So Dum

I got this for free – Ai No Pei

I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight – Lei Lo

Hes cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

05
Aug

Medical Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, the nun said while patting his hand.

We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Can you pay in cash?

Im afraid I cant, Sister.

Do you have any close relatives, then?

Just my sister in New Mexico, replied, but shes a spinster nun.

Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith, the nun replied. They are married to God.

Okay, the man said with a smile, then bill my brother-in-law.

05
Aug

Curry

A group of us went out last week drinking. After wed gotten pretty smashed, we all decided to go for a curry. Feeling pretty drunk and stupid, the guys dared me that I couldnt down a pint of curry sauce. Being equally drunk and stupid, I took the bet. They brought me a full glass of curry sauce, and I knocked it back in one swig. I collapsed straight away, and for two weeks, I was in a korma.

04
Aug

The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease.

Man: Thats great. I was afraid I had cancer!

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