Advice To Women From Men

Never buy a new brand of beer because it was on sale.
If were in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesnt mean were not watching it.
Dont tell anyone we cant afford a new car. Tell them we dont want one.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Dont feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: Were just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isnt trying to be brave, hes just not crying. Big difference.
When the waiter asks if everythings okay, a simple Yes will do.
What do you mean, leering? Shes obstructing my view.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
You probably dont want to know what were thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled.
Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
No, you cant have the remote control.


Biblical one-liners… too cool!

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaohs daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Women cannot keep secrets!

She told me, a women complained to a friend, that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.

Well, replied her friend in a hurt tone, I told her not to tell you I told her.

Oh dear! sighed the first women. Well, dont tell her I told you that she told me.


Bar Joke

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."



A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore?


A Present for Little Johnny!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnnys dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.

Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked…

So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied, I think I got a fuckin dog but I cant find the son of a bitch.



A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat. The lawyer said You are correct. How much was the meat? The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 for legal consultation.


Real Beer

Theres a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybodys amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! Why dont you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask.

Naah. If you guys wont drink beer, than neither will I.


Proud to be….

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

Very good, said her mother.

Is it because Im blonde, Mommy?

Yes, its because youre blonde.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

Mommy, Mommy, She yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? a, b, c, d, e, f, g!

Very good, said her mother.

Is it because Im blonde, Mommy?

Yes, its because youre blonde.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

Very good, said her embarrassed mother.

Is it because Im blonde, mommy?

No, its because youre 25.


Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?

The young man replies A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

Thats a lot of money says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside? Sure, replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says Thats a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4? the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groans and replies Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!