28
Nov

Clinton Bridge

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? Theyre both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didnt tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

28
Nov

Dr. Seusss Passover

Why is it only

on Passover night

we never know how

to do anything right?

We dont eat our meals

in the regular ways,

the ways that we do

on all other days.

Cause on all other nights

we may eat

all kinds of wonderful

good bready treats,

like big purple pizza

that tastes like a pickle,

crumbly crackers

and pink pumpernickel,

sassafras sandwich

and tiger on rye,

fifty falafels in pita,

fresh-fried,

with peanut-butter

and tangerine sauce

spread onto each side

up-and-down, then across,

and toasted whole-wheat bread

with liver and ducks,

and crumpets and dumplings,

and bagels and lox,

and doughnuts with one hole

and doughnuts with four,

and cake with six layers

and windows and doors.

Yes–

on all other nights

we eat all kinds of bread,

but tonight of all nights

we munch matzah instead.

And on all other nights

we devour

vegetables, green things,

and bushes and flowers,

lettuce thats leafy

and candy-striped spinach,

fresh silly celery

(Have more when youre finished!)

cabbage thats flown

from the jungles of Glome

by a polka-dot bird

who cant find his way home,

daisies and roses

and inside-out grass

and artichoke hearts

that are simply first class!

Sixty asparagus tips

served in glasses

with anchovy sauce

and some sticky molasses–

But on Passover night

you would never consider

eating an herb

that wasnt all bitter.

And on all other nights

you would probably flip

if anyone asked you

how often you dip.

On some days I only dip

one Bup-Bup egg

in a teaspoon of vinegar

mixed with nutmeg,

but sometimes we take

more than ten thousand tails

of the Yakkity-birds

that are hunted in Wales,

and dip them in vats

full of Mumbegum juice.

Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.

Or we dont dip at all!

We dont ask your advice.

So why on this night

do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights

we can sit as we please,

on our heads, on our elbows,

our backs or our knees,

or hang by our toes

from the tail of a Glump,

or on top of a camel

with one or two humps,

with our foot on the table,

our nose on the floor,

with one ear in the window

and one out the door,doing somersaults

over the greasy knishes

or dancing a jig

without breaking the dishes.

Yes–

on all other nights

you sit nicely when dining–

So why on this night

must it all be reclining?

28
Nov

Education

A student comes to a young professors office. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
I mean… she whispers, I would do… anything.

He returns her gaze. Anything?

Anything.

His voice softens. Anything?

Anything.

His voice turns to a whisper. Would you… study?

28
Nov

15 Signs that its Time to get a New Car

15. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of
Historic Places.

14. Instead of an airbag, theres a whoopie cushion
taped to your steering wheel.

13. Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.

12. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old
on a moped.

11. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

10. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to
take The Club.

9. When you gas up, the attendant asks Can I re-duct-
tape that windshield for you?

8. While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking
if anyone was hurt.

7. You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin
help desk.

6. For the last five years, youve had to settle for
making vroom vroom noises while sitting in the
driveway.

5. Keep losing dates on left turns.

4. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

3. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name
when discussing morning tie-ups.

2. Hasnt been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.

1. Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.

28
Nov

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.

28
Nov

Typist

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.

I dont know, she replied. I cant read.

28
Nov

Liberalism cause discovered (adult)

It was announced today that liberalism may be genetically determined. A lengthy article in the current issue of HEY ! threatens to overshadow the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a hidden dormant gene for compassion in men.

Reports of the gene codes which predispose one to liberal views were discovered after a long study in Brite Orange County CA, has sent shock waves through medical, political and yuppie communities.

Psychologists have long believed the off-the-wall liberals unnatural and frequently unconstitutional radical tendencies resulted from an unhealthy family life – a remarkably high percentage of liberals had whimpy and submissive fathers, as well as latent lesbian mothers who didnt teach them traditions at all. Biologists have long suspected that liberal tendencies are inherited. After all said one author of the article, Its quite common for such a free spirit to have a brother or sister who also has such distorted views.

The finding has been greeted with a sigh of relief by parents, family & friends of liberals, who have tended to blame themselves for the twisted political views of otherwise lovable people. One mother, a life-long Conservative, with two liberal sons, clasped her hands in ecstasy upon hearing of the findings. I just knew it was a freak of nature, she said, I knew my boys wouldnt actually choose that kind of lifestyle!

Despite the near certainty of the medical community about these genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no reason for the startlingly high incidence of liberals found among siblings of the Yuppie Community. It remains to be explained why so many avowed Liberals vote Republican occasionally – or at least fantasize about doing so.

Surprisingly, some are hailing the findings as a step forward rather than an invitation to deny liberals their civil rights; to which normal, sane people are entitled.

Other free thinkers, recalling early scientific studies to test the mental instability of hippies (long established to be the fore-runners of todays yuppies, only with no material goods), find the frenzied search for the biological cause of liberalism pointless, if not downright sinister. But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a much brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could help these hapless souls, & eventually, eradicate liberals altogether; bringing peace to the world.

President Clinton and co-President Hillary were in closed conference with the Attorney General to determine if there was a method for them to veto or outlaw this latest discovery and could not be reached for comment.

28
Nov

3 Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife



What type of bra? asked the clerk.



Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?



Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.



Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.



Confused, the man asked what were the types.



The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?



Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?



The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.


28
Nov

A five that puts out

A five that puts out

28
Nov

The Captain and the Pirates

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, Bring me my red shirt!

The first mate quickly retrieved the captains red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the days events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid.

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.

The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!

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