What do you call a smart blonde?

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.


Second Opinion

Doctor Moshe Rabinowicz and his wife Rachel are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, and you are not any good in bed either as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls Rachel and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated Moshe says what took you so long to answer the phone?

She says, I was in bed.

In bed this late in the day, doing what?

I was getting a second opinion she replied.


What is the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Well, one you shuck between fits…


Clinton Bridge

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? Theyre both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didnt tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.


Dr. Seusss Passover

Why is it only

on Passover night

we never know how

to do anything right?

We dont eat our meals

in the regular ways,

the ways that we do

on all other days.

Cause on all other nights

we may eat

all kinds of wonderful

good bready treats,

like big purple pizza

that tastes like a pickle,

crumbly crackers

and pink pumpernickel,

sassafras sandwich

and tiger on rye,

fifty falafels in pita,


with peanut-butter

and tangerine sauce

spread onto each side

up-and-down, then across,

and toasted whole-wheat bread

with liver and ducks,

and crumpets and dumplings,

and bagels and lox,

and doughnuts with one hole

and doughnuts with four,

and cake with six layers

and windows and doors.


on all other nights

we eat all kinds of bread,

but tonight of all nights

we munch matzah instead.

And on all other nights

we devour

vegetables, green things,

and bushes and flowers,

lettuce thats leafy

and candy-striped spinach,

fresh silly celery

(Have more when youre finished!)

cabbage thats flown

from the jungles of Glome

by a polka-dot bird

who cant find his way home,

daisies and roses

and inside-out grass

and artichoke hearts

that are simply first class!

Sixty asparagus tips

served in glasses

with anchovy sauce

and some sticky molasses–

But on Passover night

you would never consider

eating an herb

that wasnt all bitter.

And on all other nights

you would probably flip

if anyone asked you

how often you dip.

On some days I only dip

one Bup-Bup egg

in a teaspoon of vinegar

mixed with nutmeg,

but sometimes we take

more than ten thousand tails

of the Yakkity-birds

that are hunted in Wales,

and dip them in vats

full of Mumbegum juice.

Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.

Or we dont dip at all!

We dont ask your advice.

So why on this night

do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights

we can sit as we please,

on our heads, on our elbows,

our backs or our knees,

or hang by our toes

from the tail of a Glump,

or on top of a camel

with one or two humps,

with our foot on the table,

our nose on the floor,

with one ear in the window

and one out the door,doing somersaults

over the greasy knishes

or dancing a jig

without breaking the dishes.


on all other nights

you sit nicely when dining–

So why on this night

must it all be reclining?



A student comes to a young professors office. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
I mean… she whispers, I would do… anything.

He returns her gaze. Anything?


His voice softens. Anything?


His voice turns to a whisper. Would you… study?


15 Signs that its Time to get a New Car

15. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of
Historic Places.

14. Instead of an airbag, theres a whoopie cushion
taped to your steering wheel.

13. Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.

12. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old
on a moped.

11. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

10. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to
take The Club.

9. When you gas up, the attendant asks Can I re-duct-
tape that windshield for you?

8. While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking
if anyone was hurt.

7. You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin
help desk.

6. For the last five years, youve had to settle for
making vroom vroom noises while sitting in the

5. Keep losing dates on left turns.

4. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

3. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name
when discussing morning tie-ups.

2. Hasnt been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.

1. Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.


Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.



A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.

I dont know, she replied. I cant read.


Liberalism cause discovered (adult)

It was announced today that liberalism may be genetically determined. A lengthy article in the current issue of HEY ! threatens to overshadow the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a hidden dormant gene for compassion in men.

Reports of the gene codes which predispose one to liberal views were discovered after a long study in Brite Orange County CA, has sent shock waves through medical, political and yuppie communities.

Psychologists have long believed the off-the-wall liberals unnatural and frequently unconstitutional radical tendencies resulted from an unhealthy family life – a remarkably high percentage of liberals had whimpy and submissive fathers, as well as latent lesbian mothers who didnt teach them traditions at all. Biologists have long suspected that liberal tendencies are inherited. After all said one author of the article, Its quite common for such a free spirit to have a brother or sister who also has such distorted views.

The finding has been greeted with a sigh of relief by parents, family & friends of liberals, who have tended to blame themselves for the twisted political views of otherwise lovable people. One mother, a life-long Conservative, with two liberal sons, clasped her hands in ecstasy upon hearing of the findings. I just knew it was a freak of nature, she said, I knew my boys wouldnt actually choose that kind of lifestyle!

Despite the near certainty of the medical community about these genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no reason for the startlingly high incidence of liberals found among siblings of the Yuppie Community. It remains to be explained why so many avowed Liberals vote Republican occasionally – or at least fantasize about doing so.

Surprisingly, some are hailing the findings as a step forward rather than an invitation to deny liberals their civil rights; to which normal, sane people are entitled.

Other free thinkers, recalling early scientific studies to test the mental instability of hippies (long established to be the fore-runners of todays yuppies, only with no material goods), find the frenzied search for the biological cause of liberalism pointless, if not downright sinister. But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a much brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could help these hapless souls, & eventually, eradicate liberals altogether; bringing peace to the world.

President Clinton and co-President Hillary were in closed conference with the Attorney General to determine if there was a method for them to veto or outlaw this latest discovery and could not be reached for comment.