A five that puts out

A five that puts out


Shooting the Thanksgiving Turkey

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of

shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have

seen the people scatter in the meat department.


The Purple Wombat

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Billy. Billy was pretty much your average kid. But one day, he got on the school bus and heard a bunch of kids talking about the Purple Wombat. He asked them what the Purple Wombat was, they got angry at him and sat somewhere else, so Billy had to sit all alone. Later, at school, the teacher began to talk about the Purple Wombat. When Billy asked her about the Purple Wombat, she was extremely angry and sent him to the principals office. Billy went to the principals office. The principal invited him in, and asked him why he was there. Billy said My teacher sent me here because I dont know what the Purple Wombat is.
Young man, go home right know! You are suspended for three days!
So Bill went home, and his mother asked him Why are you home so early?
I got suspended for three days for not knowing what the Purple Wombat is.
You dont know what the Purple Wombat is? You go to your room this instant. Just wait until your father gets home!
When Billys father came home and asked Billy how his day was, Billy told him, and his father said:
Thats it! You get no dinner tonight and no allowance for a month!
Billy, understandably upset, went to bed. At the stroke of midnight, he heard a voice calling his name. Who are you? Billy asked.
I am the Purple Wombat, Billy. Follow me, Billy. said the voice.
Billy quietly snuck downstairs, got his coat, and went out into the back yard, where the voice was coming from. Follow me, Billy. said the voice, this time from the woods behind Billys house. Billy went into the woods, following the voice as it twisted through the trees. Finally, Billy reached a big lake, with a line of boats leading to an island in the middle of the lake.
Follow me to the island, Billy. said the voice.
Billy stepped into the first boat, but when he tried to step into the second boat, it tipped over. Billy could not swim, and so he drowned.


The Jewish Barbie

The last time I was I New York, my daughter requested that I bring back a Barbi doll. So I stopped in a toy store in the Jewish area and started looking around.

How much is this Barbie doll set?

$19.95. the Jewish merchant answered.

How much is the set here, Barbie at the beach?

Also $19.95.

I eyed another set, how much is Barbie in the discotecque?

Also $19.95.

And this one here, Barbie at home?

Also $19.95.

Well, what about this one, Barbie goes shopping?

Also $19.95.

O.K., how about this, Barbie gets married?

Also $19.95.

And this, Barbie plays tennis?

Also $19.95.

What about this one. Barbie get a Bat Mitzvah?

Also $19.95.

I eyed the last one and hoping for a lower price asked, How much is this, Barbie gets a divorce?

Ah, dots $199.95!

Wow, why so much?

Vell, dot comes vit Ken’s car, Ken’s wardrobe, Ken’s house, und, Ken’s benk account!


Bad medical news (for the over 50 folks)

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live

Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease.

Guy: Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!


Junkie/AIDS/Condom Joke

(Context: the following joke is kicking around the NY State health
department right now, because some NY media types have finally
broken down and started mentioning condoms and AIDS in the same
breath, but are not discussing how one would use a condom in actually
preventing AIDS.)

Two junkies are sitting by the side of the road, happily shooting up
whatever it is that happy junkies shoot up with, and generally
having a good time. A socially conscious individual walks up and notices
that they are sharing a needle. He lectures them about AIDS and the
danger that comes from sharing dirty needles. One of the junkies looks
up and says, Its ok, were wearing condoms.

— Richard Welty


Men room talk about men and peeing


(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the mens restroom):

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Ill make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Im telling ya those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Its the dreaded morning wood.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend, and if it dont bend you cant aim, well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin toilet seat wont stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when youre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off yourweenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her … look, it wont bend. She said, Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time. OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well its is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but its the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault, its just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, … there wouldnt have been a problem!!!


Bermuda Triangle

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

A: Theyve both swallowed a lot of semen.


Radio Giveaway

The New York Best Mix radio station has a bunch of summertime gimmicks
that attempt to boost listenership. One of them is Ticket Tuesday, where
listeners send in postcards with the tickets they want, and Mix 105 takes
care of the rest.

The idea is that you select the concert or play or whatever you want to see,
rather than waiting for, say, Metropolitan Opera tickets to be given away
to the tenth caller. Hmmm, right.

Unfortunately for the radio station, one metro-area listener took the
instructions a bit too literally, and when her card was pulled, the promo
department was forced to take care of her seven Manhattan parking tickets.


The Honeymoon.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

Yes, were fine. Were living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied, I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? Theyre choking the shit out of my ducks!