Old Jokes | New Jokes

A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and Im tired of it!!! Weve been to 3 other doctors, and they couldnt help, so now its in your hands.

The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about
sex.

Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:

Hobbies – Sex!

Sports – Sex!

Fishing – Sex!

Dreams – Sex!

He even tries the inkblot test, but to no avail. – Sex!

At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something – That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.

First, he shows him a picture of a car. – Sex!

Next, a picture of a boat. – Sex!

A house. – Sex!

A tree. – Sex!

At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: How can you think of sex when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!

Mr Dillon looks at him and says: What are you yelling at me for, Doc – Youre the one with all the dirty pictures!!!

Taken from this mornings Metro (7th June, London, UK):

A friendly greeting caused a major airport security alert when a man called Hi, Jack to a colleague on board an aircraft.

A SWAT team and dozens of police reinforcements were called to the Oakland International Airport near Detroit in the US.

Lt. Rick Crigger said, There was a guy on the plane named Jack, and someone walked in and said, Hi Jack. The mike just happened to be open and the tower heard it.

Thinking someone was hijacking the corporate jet, the FBI as well as police were called to prepare for a hostage situation. Air traffic controllers ordered the plane to return to the tower but, after a quick check on the identity of the pilot, the jet was cleared for take off.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later.

Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.

Aw come on boy, the farmer insisted.

Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, But Pa wont like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

Dont be foolish! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?

Under the wagon!

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

This article is excerpted from the e-zine Ooze #4. Ooze is available in macintosh application, text, or nice graphical web version from http://www.io.com/user/ooze/ or from drbubonic@aol.com for subscription or back issue information. (include wether you want mac or text format)

THE BIG SURPRISE

It was a big night out. One of my friends had invited a group of her co-workers and me out to a bar. When I got there I was introduced to an ok-looking Asian girl. She was sort of kooky and had been slamming down the drinks. She entertained the party by demonstrating her ability to put lit matches into her mouth. Amusing, but nothing really out of the ordinary.

Until she grabbed my hand. What are you doing? I asked.

Trust me. She held my fist and extended my index finger, bracing it with both hands. She started guiding my extended finger towards her face.

I thought she was going to insert my finger into her nose to pick some boogers out, but she was guiding my finger towards her eye. Strange, I thought to myself as she poked my finger into her open eyeball, instead of being squishy it was sort of hard.

I thought that was a pretty neat trick to freak someone out by making them touch a hard contact lens. Those are thick contacts, I said.

No, no. Thats my glass eye, and demonstrated the fact by asynchronously twirling it around in her skull. A million questions filled my head.

Were you in the same accident as Sammy Davis Jr.?

Do you have any weird holiday colored eyes?

Are you available for bar mitzvahs?

But, for once, I was floored. I just stared at the wall. I had just touched a glass eye!

I bet soon, once piercing and branding are laughable old fads like bell bottoms, teens will line up to have their very own glass eye. How chic!

Heres a cool party trick you can use to cash in on the Glass Eye phenomenon. If you are at a party and someone drops some glass on the floor smashing it, quickly cover one of your eyes and yell, My Glass Eye! very loudly.

It makes some people really uncomfortable, but most chicks will eventually dig how hip you are to the glass eye phenomenon.

“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods. He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms. Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to marry.” “Why?” asked the man, smiling. “I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!” she replied.

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”
It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: “Re-read this line.” Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!