23
May

How many field service engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Thats a software problem.

23
May

Why women are called housekeepers

Do you know why women are called housekeepers?….. After the divorce they keep the house.

23
May

I need a toaster

A woman is checking out at the hardware store with a picture frame. The clerk asks, Do you want a screw for the picture frame?

The woman replies, No, but Ill blow you for a toaster.

23
May

Annals of legal etiquette

My wife received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be
true. For those of you who dont know, a deposition is a transcript of
pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents.

To: all attorneys
Subject: Depositions and Their Use

A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed
with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on
Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although
the use of a deposition of a party opponent for any purpose is also in the
federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this
exchange:

The Court: Next witness.

Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the
head with his clients deposition.

The Court: You mean read it?

Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to
Rule 32, I may use the deposition for any purpose and that is the purpose
for which I want to use it.

The Court: Well, it does say that.

(Pause.)

The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.

Ms. Olschner: Thank you, Judge Hanes.

(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)

Mr. Buck: But Judge…

The Court: Next witness.

Mr. Buck: We object.

The Court: Sustained. Next witness.

End transcript.

23
May

Naughty Nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: Its not working SL: Of course its not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives… SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldnt follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isnt it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down…….. (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)

23
May

Sex in a Marriage

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex… This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex… This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex… Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex… This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex… This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

23
May

The camping trip.

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring… it was so wonderful.

James said Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous Your day was so much better than mine… did you get a blow job?

Nope James replied, I couldnt find her head!

23
May

The eyes have it

There is this man, he has had problems lately with his sight, and
feels it is now time to go see an optometrist.

When he comes in, the doctor tells him he will first do some simple
testing, and shows him the standard sheet with letters of
diminishing size: W X Z Y …

So the doctor asks the man: Can you read this?

The man answers: Of course I can. I am Polish!

23
May

Three convicts escape from prison.

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. Hey, arent you those three escaped convicts?, asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said no, Im Mark, Mark Spencer, The second followed his lead and said My names is William, W H Smith. The third said My name is Ken…..Tucky Fried Chicken

23
May

A woman at the dentist

A woman goes into a dentists office, and after
her examination, the dentist says, Im sorry to
tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that
tooth.
Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! Id rather
have a baby.
To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind,
I have to adjust the chair.