21
Jan

Blonde, Santa, Pregnant Woman

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up ? A: The pregnant woman… the other two arent real !

21
Jan

Diaper Change

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it good for up to 20 pounds.

21
Jan

Fleas

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Shall we walk or take a dog?

21
Jan

Ghosts in the White House

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washingtons ghost in
the White House. Bush asks, George, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, Washington
advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark
bedroom. Tom, W asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, Jefferson advises.

Bush isnt sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure
moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the
best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks.

Abe answers, Go see a play.

21
Jan

USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN MOSLEM AREAS

This is from a multi-generation xerox copy that was given to me by
someone I know. I have no idea where it came it from or if it is accurate,
but it is amusing nonetheless.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages
I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY.

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI !

Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.

The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have
the recipe.

[Ed: Reportedly these phrases are actually garbled Persian! ]

21
Jan

Nuts!

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
If we dont get some support soon, people will think were nuts.

21
Jan

Vicious Rat killer

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of its cage. The man didnt want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.

Now heres the clincher… the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!

Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case… so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!

Only in America….

Courtesy of Dateline NBC…

21
Jan

Animal quickies

A tomcat told a female cat, For you, I would die.

The female asked, How many times?

Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a woman. She had her first century.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

Did yall ever wonder why mice have such small balls?

Easy – very few of them can dance at all.

A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. Look Ma! said the youngster, An Angel.

You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobodys ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.

A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her first kangaroo. As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its head out of the Mothers pouch.

Just as I suspected, the girl said to herself. Caesareans do leave a nasty scar.

Youve all heard of Russian roulette and a jokes been making the rounds about African roulette. How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though? Youre given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.

21
Jan

Tough choice between 2 shirts

– Mommy, what kind of shirt I will wear today? Will it be one with short sleeves or long ones?

– Can you tell me the reason why this is so important?

– I just want to know how high I have to wash up my arms.

21
Jan

What would man do after his wife dies

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, shes left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Shit.