24
Mar

Greek Horses?

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross
over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a
fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. Its
impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his car phone; theyll be there in 20 minutes.

Its cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers
the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

Arent you going to have a drink? the doctor says.

AFTER the police get here, replies the lawyer.

24
Mar

Rita Rudners Facts About Men

A man in the house is worth two in the street. – Mae West

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you. – Mae West

I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. – Mae West

Its not the men in my life that count, its the life in my men. – Mae West

Men become old, but they never become good. – Oscar Wilde

A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Men…give them an inch…and they add it to their own.

I called my last boyfriend Miller Lite; tasted good, but wasnt very filling.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why cant they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

24
Mar

Crashing airplane joke: British Airways

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.

24
Mar

The guide for women

A WOMANS GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: IM HUNGRY.
Im hungry. IM SLEEPY.
Im sleepy. IM TIRED.
Im tired. IVE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHATS WRONG?
I dont see why youre making such a big deal out of this. WHATS WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesnt look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LETS TALK, HONEY.
Im trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

24
Mar

Blonde – Death in the Family

One day, a blondes neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

24
Mar

Madonna, Britney, Cristina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy.

Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

24
Mar

Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I dont feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. Were cruising at an altitude of… ah, hell, I dont know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep em coming!
5. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! Were going to crash! Oops — is this intercom on?
1. Well be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

24
Mar

Making Babies

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. You understand it now? Mommy asks.

Yes, replies her daughter.

Do you still have any questions?

Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?

In exactly the same way as with babies.

Wow! the girl exclaims. My daddy can do ANYTHING!

24
Mar

Unlocked crap

Upon retiring, a couple wanted to move from the city and live a country life-style.

They went house hunting in the most secluded area they could find. One listing was a beautiful cottage home being sold by the owner, and they decided to check it out.

They were shown the house with its 2 bedrooms and den, kitchen w/breakfast nook, parlor and dining room. When the tour was done, the woman whispered something to her husband, and they both turned back to the owner.

The husband mentioned not seeing a bathroom. The owner then said, Oh, yes, walk this way …

They left the house through the back door and went down a winding walkway about 50 yards.

There, at the end of the walk was an outhouse … It was shabby looking, roof shingles missing, paint totally faded, the door had only one hinge and was hanging oddly, and in the middle of the floor was a bucket.

The woman was shocked at the sight and said to the owner, My goodness, that looks terrible, so run down. And the door has no lock.

To which the owner replied … Yanno, Maam, in all my years living here, no one has ever stolen my bucket!

24
Mar

Lets pick on the economists


An economist is back in his old college town many years after
graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He
happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk, so he picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar, he comments
to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years
ago. The professor assures him that this is correct, but adds that
this time the answers are different.