1.He had only one major publication
2.And it was in Hebrew
3.And it had no references
4.And it was not published in a refereed journal
5.And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6.It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9.He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11.When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13.He has his son teach the class.
14.He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15.Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen.
To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what theyre doing they can be ready in two minutes.
Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Were very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right to get a real flame going.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm – all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction.
I was first.
Let me through.
Youre on my tail.
Thats my spot. Theyre like the Three Billion Stooges.
But the woman is like the egg – very cool: Well, whos it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. Im not swimming anywhere.
A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying Whats that up there?.
The man replied why.. thats the sun…!.
On that the optician said, How far do you want to see sir!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to
scream, and were gonna get killed!
A metrologist from Dover left on a trip. She was to take the Chunnel to Calais, go south to Perpignan, go to Sèvres, and return home. She never made
it. The obituary reported that she had gone to make her meter.
(The first meter was determined by surveying the longest north-south distance in France, which is pretty close to the line from Calais to Perpignan.)
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about
to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature
airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of
the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient
and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our
anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may
possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through
contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen … Now Dasher, now Dancer… et al. – guiding
them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with
utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue
from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the
walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely
to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a
commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter
that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he
waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He
then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common
weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior
to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic yuletides
to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her go do something to prove them wrong! Why dont you learn all the state capitals or something?
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, Im NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!
The guy doesnt believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says Okay, whats the Capital of Montana?
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, Thats easy! Its M!
I am a college student.
Ive missed class to watch Jenny Jones. Ive partied until 7 in the morning. I live for Southpark and Sportscenter.
I watch Jerry Springer religiously.
Im broke. Ive spent over $300 at one time buying text books. I spend that much in a month on beer. I drink til the sun comes up. I wake up 10 minutes before class.
I fall asleep 10 minutes into class.
I cant remember the last time I washed my car.
Im not sure where the library is.
I procrastinate. Im lazy. C2H5OH is my favorite chemical compound.
Id rather do E-mails than do schoolwork. Id rather sleep than do E-mails. Id rather drink than sleep. I fund the University through my parking tickets and phone bills. I drink on Sundays. I have an alcohol bottle collection on display in my room. I havent eaten breakfast in a year.
I order pizza at midnight. I make popcorn at 1:00. I do E-mails at 2:00. I watch TV at 3:00. I go to sleep around 4:00. I know the Greek alphabet better than the English alphabet. Ive built up a tolerance to certain beverages.
The weekend starts on Thursday. I want to own a breathalizer to use for fun. Im the type of person your mother warned you about. I am a college student and I wouldnt change a damn thing!
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. You simpleton! the officer barked. Dont you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
Yes sir, the solder answered apologetically. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, Lets eat one now and save the other until winter —that did it!