16
Dec

Guy and siamese twins

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other.

He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what shed like to do.

She says, Is that a trombone in the corner? Id love to play your trombone.

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guys apartment building. One of the girls says, Lets stop up and see that guy.

The other girl says, Gee … do you think hell remember us?

16
Dec

A Letter from Martha Stewart

Monday, 9:00 a.m.
Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself
to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got
up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I
handpainted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in
peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white
horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft
room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for
my 20 breakfast guests. Im serving the old standard Stewart
twelve-course breakfast, but Ill let you in on a little secret: I
didnt have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used
the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add
just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and
stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread
was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly
the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from
Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress
Im wearing for breakfast. Ill get out the sled and drive this note
to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope Ill be
making. Hope my breakfast guests dont stay too long — I have 40,000
cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at
noon. Its a good thing.
Love,
Martha Stewart
P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch
gold guaze. I soaked the guaze in a mixture of white grapes and
blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

16
Dec

Mankinds Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money…Man was all screwed up after that.

16
Dec

3 Brazilian Soldiers Killed

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

OH NO! the President exclaims. Thats terrible!

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?

16
Dec

At the Dr.s

A man goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Ive got this problem you see, only youve got to promise not to laugh.

The doctor replies, Of course I wont laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor Ive never laughed at a patient.

OK then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.

Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, Im so sorry, he says to the patient, I dont know what came over me, I wont let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, Its swollen.

16
Dec

Excited Preacher

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

16
Dec

How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when youre gone.
Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.
Dogs admit when theyre jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but theres a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

16
Dec

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing. The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans. The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay? A freakin quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, dude. We quit! And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

16
Dec

The wish slide (little swearing)

On day four kids were playing on a slide and a genie appeared in they all stopped and huddled amongst them selves.

The genie said: The next time you go down the slide say somethig you want to land in and you will and at that the genie poofed up in smoke.

One by one they lined up to get their wishes.

The first kid said Lollies he slid down and he landed in lollies.

The next kid did the same but instead he said chips.

The third kid was still young and hadnt got the concept and just went down as usual and yelled Weee!

The fourth kid acciedentally bumped his knee and screamed Shit! before sliding down head first into it.

16
Dec

Twelve Days of Xmas (Classic)

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

————————————–

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

————————————–

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.

Love Agnes

—————————————

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

—————————————-

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

—————————————–

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

——————————————

December 20th

John:

Whats with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? Theres bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fricking birds!

Sincerely, Agnes

——————————————-

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag

———————————————-

December 22nd

Hey Buttface:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And geeeez – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.

From Ag

———————————————-

You Rotten Prick:

Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

———————————————-

December 24th

Listen Asshole:

Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

———————————————-

December 25th

(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

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