27
May

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

27
May

Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?One little girl raised her hand and said,
I think he said: Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken! The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

27
May

Microsoft 2000

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of

1901.

27
May

During life time

Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him When will peace return to my country ? God answered
You can never see peace in your country during your life timeSaddam wept bitterly and walked away.

Nawaz Sharif approached God
When can I see a united Pakistan (with Kashmir) ?God said
You can never annex Kashmir during your life timeSharif wept bitterly and walked away.

Next our Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God When will Bihar become a civilized state ?
God wept bitterly and said
I can never see that happening even during MY life time

27
May

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.

27
May

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If…

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob.

He refers to Klingons as Critters.

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns.

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies.

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says Yee-Ha! instead of Engage.

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer Bubba.

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster.

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green.

He refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special.

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp.

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings Lucille instead of Kathleen.

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to Cajun.

27
May

3 people die in a plane crash

Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.

St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown says St. Peter this is your home for eternity. With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.

Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity booms St. Peter locking the door.

Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says Cindy Crawford, for all the sins in your lifetime, this is your punishment.

27
May

What tree is most warmly clad?

A Fir Tree

27
May

Do You Know???

In 1923, do you know who was:

President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
President of the Bank of International Settlement?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
The winner of the US Open and PGA Tournaments?

These men were considered among the worlds most successful. At least they were at the peak of their money making careers. Now, more than 55 years later, do you know what became of them???

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, became insane.
The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died a suicide.
Gene Sarazan, who won the US Open & PGA Tournaments in 1923, continued playing golf professionally and personally until his death on May 13, 1999, at the age of 97.

And The Moral of the Story is:

STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND PLAY GOLF.

27
May

What is Draculas favorite kind of dog?

What is Draculas favorite kind of dog?

A blood hound.

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