19
Sep

Snow Blind (some profanity)

This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar diaries floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt…

December 8:

6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:

We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, Im sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:

It snowed inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and the snow plow came by and did its trick again.
December 15:

Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought my wife snow tires for her car.
December 16:

Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.
December 17:

Still cold (below zero in the AM) and the icy roads make for very tough driving.
December 20:

Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The God Damn snow plow came by twice.
December 22:

We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather, it wont melt til August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to piss.
December 23:

I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking worms froze and I didnt want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait.
December 24:

If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking plow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour throwing the shit all over what used to be my lawn.
December 25:

Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more fucking inches of the white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of snow 20 inches is? Assholes! Fuck Santa, he doesnt have to bust his balls shoveling shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I rapped him upside his fucking head with the snow shovel!
December 26:

Guess who the fuck got 28 plus more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever, because the wife is starting to look real good to me!
December 27:

Cock sucking toilet froze. If you go outside, dont eat the brown snow.
December 28:

I set fire to the fucking house. Now, I want to see the white shit cling to the roof!!!

19
Sep

Cell Phones and Tampons

Q: Whats the difference between cell phones and tampons?

A: Cell phones are for assholes!!

19
Sep

Rooster and Peanut Butter

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

19
Sep

The widow

Worried because they hadnt heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son,

Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

Well, asked Mrs. Silver, is she all right?

Shes fine, except that now shes angry with you.

At me? the woman exlaimed. Whatever for?

She said Its none of your business how old she is.

19
Sep

THE DRUNK

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

19
Sep

In the closet.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is. the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks. the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball the little extortionist continues.

Okay. How much? the man replies, after considering the position he is in. Twenty-five dollars. the little boy replies.

Twenty-five dollars! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is. replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

Okay. How much this time! the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars. the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son. Go get your

ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars. the little boy says.

Seventy-five dollars! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?

The priest says…Dont you start that crap in here now!

19
Sep

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

19
Sep

Knock knock…

Whos there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad ya dont have cancer?

19
Sep

Im glad Im a man

IM GLAD IM A MAN

Im glad Im a man, you better believe. I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west.

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I dont end up in tears. I wont spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I dont go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I dont whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing. I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring. I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I dont carry our differences into the sack. Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out theres trying to steal you. Im rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. Its more fun than dealing with women after all. I wont cry if you say its not going to work. I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I wont assume its permanent by any measure. Yes, Im so very glad Im a man, you see. Im glad Im not capable of child delivery. I dont get all bitchy every 28 days. Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true. Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!

19
Sep

Computer dictionary part i

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in Our daughters computer cost quite a bit.

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you cant get your computer to perform, as in You %@& computer!

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom just to look.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE – What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her days work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer users stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see CHIPS).

HARDWARE – Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you havent laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so youll pay attention to them again.

MENU – What youll never see again after buying a computer because youll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.

TAB – What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

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