18
Jul

A Cats Diary

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!



DAY 762 – I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night!



DAY 765 – I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby!



–Kitty

18
Jul

Two donkeys walk into a bar…

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender Ill have a pint of Bud please and the second donkey says hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that

18
Jul

God Gave Man Sex

When God created man, he gave him 20 years of sex. Man asked God for more, but God said 20 years was enuff. When God created monkey, he gave him 20 years.

Monkey said to God, I only need 10 years.



Man heard this and spoke up God may I have the other 10 years?



God said okay.



God then gave 20 years to the lion.



However, lion spoke up and said that 10 years was plenty for sex.



Again man spoke up and requested the other 10 years.



God gave him the extra 10 years again.



God then gave the donkey 20 years of sex, but again the donkey thought 10 years was enuff.



Man spoke up again and requested the other 10 years.



God gave him the other 10 years.



This is why man has 20 years good sex, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years lion about it, and 10 years making a jackass of himself.

18
Jul

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

18
Jul

How can you identify an

How can you identify an [ethnic] pirate?

Hes the one with patches over both eyes.

18
Jul

Small change …

A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone, flags down a
cab, hops in and says, Take me to Georgetown.

The cabby replies, Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with?
You dont even have a handbag.

The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying, With this of
course.

After thinking for a moment, the cabby replies, Have you got anything
smaller?

18
Jul

The blind man

It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.

As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.

The second said what if someone should come?

The first said well lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.

The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back It is the blind man.

The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man cant see anything and let him in, at which time the man says Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?

18
Jul

BANG!

What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop

clip clop?

An Amish drive by shooting!

18
Jul

Pierced ears

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
Theyve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

18
Jul

Les Drinks in Paris (one strong word)

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are having drinks in Paris.

The waiter asks Laperitif?

All of them answer Oui!

The waiter looks at Zedillo Le tequila?

Zedillo: Oui!

The waiter looks at Yeltsin Le vodka?

Yeltsin: Oui!

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton Le whisky?

Clinton: DONT YOU MENTION THAT BITCH!!!