29
Jan

Work hard and save your

Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will
be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.

29
Jan

Liars

In a family the great-grandfather, grandfather, father and the son who was a little child were all found to be liars. However, since the great-grandfather was a politician, it was in his nature to tell lies, since the grandfather was a lawyer, he was professionally required to tell lies, and since the father was a doctor, he had to lie patients. Only the poor child seemed to have no excuse.

29
Jan

What A Divorce!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, she responded.

I mean, he continued, What are your relations like?

I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.

He said, Do you have a real grudge?

No, she replied, We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?

Yes, she responded, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why do you want a divorce?

Oh, I dont want a divorce, she replied. Ive never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me.

29
Jan

Bartender, theres a fly in my…


An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few
nut-brown ale. While theyre sitting around blankly staring at their mugs,
three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly buzzzplooop, each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.


The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a
spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass.


The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff
he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.


They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings,
gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice,
There yare now laddie, SPIT IT OOOOT!

Ken.

29
Jan

Top ten signs youre in a bad boy scout troop

You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct
You help old ladies across I-95
First rule in handbook: Blame the kid who cant speak English
Youre part of a very special troop called the Gambino family
To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle
Since he cant get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office
You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts
Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat – Marlboro Lights
Troop motto: Be prepared…to lie on the witness stand
Every year you have to put on a skit and go door-to-door selling cookies

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

29
Jan

Snowmen

What do snowmen have that snowwomen dont?

Snowballs!

29
Jan

Top ten signs youre in an unsafe airport

Hijackers are allowed to pre-board
Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her bullet setting it off
Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport
White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading
You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial
As you board plane, gate attendant says You poor son-of-a-bitch
Runways have passing lanes
You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop
There are more shots being fired there than at the White House
Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse

29
Jan

Going to the bank

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?

29
Jan

Letter home from School

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

29
Jan

What do you call two Alaskan lesbians?

Klondikes