28
Nov

Water On The Inside

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

28
Nov

Wedding Questions and Answers

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except Tied to the Whipping Post.

28
Nov

The top 15 cool features of the Sony PlayStation 2

Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to Go outside and get some fresh air for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many Ill be your best friend offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still cant even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she wont think youre a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New Campaign 2000 edition has an Al Gore thats 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesnt do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.
Special butter churn attachment for Elijahs Virtual Churnmaster 3000 results in awesome, realistic butter churning!
Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.
Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.
CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2 …

Highspeed internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin toy.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

28
Nov

Bush & the Blackboard

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air." Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Cant we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"? The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard. "My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?The boy writes the words on the blackboard. "Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?" The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."

28
Nov

Populating the Earth

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered, Yes Lord, but what is a kiss? So the Lord gave a brief
description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now Id like
you to caress Eve.

And Adam said, What is a caress? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was
even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to
Eve.

And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So the Lord again gave Adam
directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

28
Nov

Dear Redneck Son

Dear
Redneck Son;
Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant
read fast.
We dont live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldnt have
to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. Im not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and havent
seen them since.
The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice
last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent
found out what it is yet so I dont know if your an
aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully
and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up
truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they

couldnt get the tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing
much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.

28
Nov

In a Brain Store

A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:

How much for engineer brain?

4 pounds per 100g.

How much for doctor brain?

6 pounds per 100g.

How much for lawyer brain?

100 pounds per gram.

100 pounds an per gram! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one gram of
brains?

28
Nov

Yo Momma

Yo mommas so poor that, she cant afford to pay attention!

28
Nov

Dwarf and Giant

A dwarf walks into a bar and he slips over a piece of shit on the floor, he walks off thinking nothing of it.

A few minutes later a huge man walks in a falls over the same piece of shit, the little dwarf shouts out

I just did that!

So the big man thumps him.

28
Nov

Definition of marriage

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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