Redneck joke

You might be a redneck if…

You take a bath in a water trough.

Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.

If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.

You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.

If you use your front porch as a stand for deer hunting.

If you have two refigerators – one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.

You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!

You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.


Sleeping beauty

George came home one day, very excited.

Do you know what they are saying? he asked his wife Jean, they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!

Jean responded That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!



There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."


Best Pickup Lines Ive Used

The word of the day is LEGS, lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Lets name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

Id like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Was your daddy a baker? Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!


Polak Sharing Treasure

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground.

Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly.

When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workmans hand and ernestly says Sir, we will share this just like Russian – Polish comrades should and the Polish guy says, Oh no, 50 – 50!


Top ten least popular alcoholic beverages

Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
D-Train Scotch
Amaretto Di Gotti
Orville Redenbachers Butter-Flavored Vodka
Dinty Moores Pork N Booze
Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
Dr. Scholls Medicated Tequila
Seagrams 7, Mets 0
Chivas Regis


A blonde driving lesson

Q: What goes VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech!?

A: A blond driving through a blinking red light. =;-{)

(No insinuations meant, as I myself am a blonde)


Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in Louisiana or Al

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right or Naw.
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++.
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now, heeah?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz.
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse.
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire…
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.


Q: How many supply-siders

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Note: Supply-siders were the force behind Reagans early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didnt quite work out that way.)


La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando

La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando a una de sus monjas que había decidido dejar el convento.

¿Y qué vas a hacer de hoy en adelante?

Quiero volverme una prostituta.

¿UNA QUEEE? ¿Qué fue lo que dijiste?

Dije que quiero volverme una prostituta.

¡Oh, gracias a Dios! Pensé que habías dicho una protestante.