06
May

1. Golden Retriever: The

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?2. Border Collie: Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .. 13. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle … 15. Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cats Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

06
May

Viagra and a lawyer (adult theme)

Q. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

A. He stands taller and straighter.

06
May

Blonde Carpenter

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there? The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, Is this it? No, was the reply from the blonde carpenter, mine had a pencil behind it.

06
May

Jewish Pet

A Nice Jewish Dog



A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.


He cant


wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor


finally comes


over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how


smart he is.



The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his


master, tail


wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright


with


anticipation.



The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay,


Irving,


Fetch!



Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail


wagging


furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile


disappears. He


starts to frown and puts on a sour face.



Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy,


wagging my


tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts


me in


such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating


that dreck


you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it


gives me


gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try


it if you


think its so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me


out the door


to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell


you! And


when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant


remember


when!



The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment,


he says,


I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is


sitting on the sofa talking to us.



I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained


yet. He


thought I said, Kvetch.

06
May

What does a lobster and a Korean hit by a steam roller have in common?

Theyre both crushed-asians

06
May

How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Tell them you cant come.

05
May

Knock Knock Whos there? Ida! Ida who? Idaho, not

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ida!
Ida who?
Idaho, not Ida-who, cant you say it!

05
May

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

05
May

Un chofer que ha manejado

Un chofer que ha manejado muchas horas decide parar al costado del camino para dormir un poco. Apenas ha cerrado los ojos, un corredor que pasa por ahí le golpea la ventana para preguntarle la hora. El tipo abre y todavía somnoliento le dice: Son las 6, cierra la ventana y se vuelve a quedar dormido.

De inmediato le vuelven a tocar, ahora un paletero. ¿Qué quiere? ¿Quiero saber qué hora es? Son las 6:05.

El tipo se vuelve a dormir y ahora una señora le vuelve a tocar la ventanilla: Disculpe que lo moleste, ¿podría darme la hora? ¡SON LAS 6:10!

El tipo coje un plumón y en un cartón escribe: NO TENGO LA HORA, lo pega en la ventanilla y se dispone a dormir tranquilo. Apenas estaba cerrando los ojos cuando alguien le toca de nuevo…

¿Y ahora usted qué quiere?, pregunta furioso.

Nada señor, sólo quería decirle que son las 7 con 15 minutos…

05
May

Una pareja de amantes est

Una pareja de amantes está retozando en la cama cuando oyen entrar al marido. Saltan de la cama y ella le calma:

No te preocupes, te voy a cubrir de talco y te estás completamente quieto para pasar por una estatua.

Rápidamente lo cubre, quedando él todo de blanco. Al momento, entra el marido en la habitación.

¿Qué tal, cariño?

Pues, muy bien, mi amor.

¿Y esta estatua?

Pues nada, vi el otro día una igual en casa de los Pérez, me gustó y la he comprado esta mañana.

Sin más comentarios se acuestan los dos.

A las tres de la madrugada, el marido se levanta, se va a la cocina, coge un vaso de leche y unas galletas y regresa a la habitación. Se acerca a la estatua y le dice al oído:

Toma, machote, que yo me pasé así tres días en la casa de los Pérez y no me ofrecieron ni un vaso de agua.

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