27
Jul

Some Blonde Joke Quickies

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Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

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Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

A. Look! They spelled MACYs wrong!

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Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A. Her blinker was on.

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Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?

A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

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Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?

A. She fell out of the tree

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Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?

A. So they dont moo-moo when you pull on their tits.

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Q. How do blonde brain cells die?

A. Alone.

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27
Jul

A Virgoans letter to God

Dear God,

Please make me less critical and perfectionistic.
By that i mean 101% to the accuracy of 0.000000000001. Id like no more, and no less. If you cannot achieve that, boy, you sure ARE flawed and NON-omnipotent. I only worship PERFECT beings.

27
Jul

Ethics test

This test has only one question, but its a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you are caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
Youre trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
……Somehow the woman looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is. Its Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under…….forever.
You have two options — you can save Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo documenting the death of one of the worlds most powerful women.
So, heres the question —–
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of Black and White?

27
Jul

At the Front Door

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night? No one will show up…

Ive already said No, and NO!

Honey, its just a small blowie…I know youd like it, too…

No! Ive said NO!

My love… Dont be like that…

At this moment, the girlfriends younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!

27
Jul

Playing Mailman

Mrs. Smith was preparing dinner when little Brad came into the kitchen. What has mamas darling been doing all day?

Ive been playing mailman, replied Brad.

Mailman? asked the mother. How could you do that when you had no letters?

I had a whole bunch of letters, said Brad. I found them in that old trunk up in the attic, all tied up with ribbon. I put one in every mailbox on the street.

27
Jul

The Chauffeur

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evenings lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?

That is an extremely simple question, he responded.

So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.

27
Jul

The Presidents Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
 
Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired.
 

 
Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time! The President beamed.
 

 
How long did it take you?
 

 
Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!

27
Jul

Bathroom Scales

Bathroom
scales: equipment which only seems to work correctly when one
holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.

26
Jul

Knock Knock Whos there? Wafer! Wafer who? Wafer a

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wafer!
Wafer who?
Wafer a long time but now Im back!

26
Jul

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

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