04
May

Redneck Letter From Home

Dear son,

Im writing this letter slow cause i know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and havent seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you? Your Aunt Maybelle said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home saying that if we dont make the last payment on grandmas funeral bill, up she comes.

Your Uncle Luke fell in to the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely so he could drown. He burned for 3 days after we cremated him.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, Arlo was driving and Joe Bob and Elmo were in the back. Arlo got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they could not get the tail-gate down.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love, Mom

04
May

Birds and the Bees talk

Father walks into his sons room and starts talking.

Son, masturbating will cause you to go blind.

But dad, Im over here!

04
May

At the crazy farm!

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patients room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, Cant you see Im sawing this piece of wood in half?

The doctor inquired, And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?

Oh. Hes my friend, but hes a little crazy. He thinks hes a lightbulb.

The doctor asks, If hes your friend, dont you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?

What? And work in the dark!?!

04
May

Viagra (adult)

Q: What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra???

A: He got taller.

03
May

Dos argentinos llegan a Lima

Dos argentinos llegan a Lima un día domingo, y se van a misa. El párroco los escucha conversando, y comienza su misa:

Hermanos… ustedes saben que María Magdalena era una ramera, una pécora, la única que hizo dudar a nuestro señor Jesucristo… pues bien, ¡María Magdalena era argentina!

Los dos argentinos se miraron indignados y decidieron regresar el siguiente domingo a misa. Ese día, el párroco empieza su sermón:

Hermanos… cuando nuestro señor Jesucristo fue acusado, Poncio Pilatos decidió condenarlo y se lavó las manos… pues bien, ¡Poncio Pilatos era argentino!

Irritados, los dos argentinos se fueron a buscar al obispo y le contaron lo sucedido. Este aseguró que reprendería al cura ese mismo día. Satisfechos, los argentinos regresaron nuevamente a misa, y se sentaron en primera fila, esperando:

Hermanos…, dijo el cura. Hoy vamos a hablar de la última cena… Jesús al saberse traicionado les dijo a sus apóstoles: Yo sé que uno de ustedes me traicionará mañana… uno de ustedes que hoy come conmigo me venderá por monedas de plata… y ese uno ¡eres tú, Judas! Entonces Judas se paró y dijo: ¡Che Jesús, cada vez que tomás te la agarrás conmigo!

03
May

Desde su escondite en las

Desde su escondite en las montañas de Afganistán, Osama bin Laden llama a Bush en la Casa Blanca y le dice:

Bush, tengo una buena noticia y otra mala.

Primero la buena, sugiere Bush.

La buena es que me entregaré…

¿Y la mala?

¡La mala es que iré en avión!

03
May

Zigzagueando, un borracho se acerca

Zigzagueando, un borracho se acerca a la barra del bar y con voz pastosa se dirige al barman:

Oiga, en el baño se echaron un pedo.

Eso es normal, caballero, para eso es.

¡¿A puñaladas?!

03
May

Entra un seor corriendo a

Entra un señor corriendo a una farmacia y pide:

¡Rápido, deme algo para la diarrea, pero ya!

El encargado de la farmacia, que era nuevo en el negocio, se pone un tanto nervioso y le da sin fijarse unas pastillas. El tipo, con la urgencia, se las toma y se va. Momentos después, el encargado de la farmacia se da cuenta de que por error e inexperiencia le dio al hombre unas pastillas para los nervios. Horas después regresa nuevamente el diarreico y el farmacéutico le dice:

¡Mil disculpas, señor, fíjese que por error le di un medicamento para los nervios en lugar de algún antidiarréico! Pero dígame, ¿cómo se siente usted?

Cagao, pero tranquilo.

03
May

7 Shots of Vodka!

Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them.



The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and drinks the next 2 shots.



The bartender says Come on and tell me about it Ive got a good ear, thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.



The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says Ok, today was my first blowjob. The bartender says Hey great, have another on the house.



The man says No, if 7 doesnt get the taste out, nothing will!

03
May

Dead Duck

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?

The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?



The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!



So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!



The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.



The duck said, ok, and left.



The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?



The bartender replied, No!!



The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?


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