23
Nov

Remember me?

A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in
the exam room. First thing she says: Well, Mr. Smith, as we
discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss.

23
Nov

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. **** There is no access to fast food. **** Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. **** The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE. ***** The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. ***** They must attend weekly PTA meetings; Clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. ***** The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. ***** The last man wins… only if… he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice. ***** If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years.. eventually earning the right to be called ******************** Mother ********************

23
Nov

Success In Love

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

We will wake the children…….17 times Its too late…….15 times Im too tired…….5 times Its too early…….52 times Its too hot…….15 times Pretending to be asleep…….49 times Window open the neighbours will hear…….9 times Backache…….2 times Headache…….16 times Sunburnt…….10 times Your mother will hear us…….6 times Not in the mood…….21 times Will wake the baby…….17 times Watching the late TV show…….7 times Too sore…….9 times New hairdo…….4 times Wrong time of the month…….4 times You had to go to the toilet…….9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat…….7 times Didnt come home…….29 times Didnt come…….14 times Came too soon…….26 times Went soft before you got in…….18 times Toes in cramp…….9 times Working late…….49 times Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat…….21 times In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls…….4 times Caught it in your zipper…….6 times Got a cold, your nose keeps running…….14 times Brewers droop…….95 times Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue…….9 times Had a splinter in your finger…….4 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day…….13 times Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book…….8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasnt talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

23
Nov

Mercy Hospital

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance? No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Then can you pay in cash? persisted the nun. Im afraid I cannot, Sister.

Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun questioned sternly. Just my sister in New Mexico, he volunteered. But shes a humble spinster nun. Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God!

Really?, said Mr. Smith. In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!

23
Nov

The Pianist

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter
over. I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now, he says. The
waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies Excuse me, sir, would you
refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon
as I can.

The manager comes over and the bloke says Are you the chicken fucking manager
of this bastarding joint? Yes sir, I am, replies the manager but I would
prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are
private parties and clients entertaining in here.

The bloke replies Fuck you anus features, wheres the fucking piano?

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

Wheres the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid
cunt?

Ah, says the manager, Youve come about the pianist job out of the paper.

Too fucking right, the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to
speak into the microphone.

Can you play any blues? the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. Thats superb,
gasps the manager, What is it called?

I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock
end, replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. Oh, do you know any jazz? asks the manager a
bit perplexed.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
Absolutely magnificent, cries the manager, What is that called?

I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder
drawer, replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. Oh I say, do you know any
romantic ballads? asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most
heartbreaking melody ever. That was fantastic, crooned the manager, What is
that one called?

Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring
piece, replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music
that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any
of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke
gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff
toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke
retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift
one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting Where the fuck
is that fucking pianist?

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing
some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers
Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling
jissum all over your shoes?

The bloke replies Know it? I fucking wrote it!

23
Nov

Something to think about

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

23
Nov

Sexlife at the sea

My wife naively believes that Its your turn in the barrel is just as acceptable as What goes around comes around.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

23
Nov

Yourre What?

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: Youre WHAT?!?!?

22
Nov

Q: How many philosophers

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define lightbulb.

22
Nov

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

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