21
Oct

New Versions

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

21
Oct

Beer in Space

This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The
reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.

Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol,
to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks
(antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this
category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey
MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear
floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the
Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).

Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas
cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar
system; theres enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400
trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if
you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the
British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the
amount of potential brewski just about doubles.

In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the
end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion
years. Youd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom
be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion
pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.

The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it
managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying
effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably
complex
molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl
radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. Its not a
compund that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can
lead to speculation: What is this cloud?

1. Its Gods beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after youve had a
hard week at the office, dont YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in
Gods image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of
the first, and best, Miller Time.

2. Its Purgatory (400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the
wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it
around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred
ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine
hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine
hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of
beer on the wall!)

3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however:
its reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a
nebula of alcohol, theyd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and
pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to
locate them.

The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle
of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As
the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud
into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater
interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes
of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards
the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in
gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave
Bowman might say, My God! Its full of booze!

Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET
there! Sorry, Chuckles. You cant get there from here. The gas cloud
(which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of G34.3) is
10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked
the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got
there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. Youd have
had time to work up a powerful thirst, but youd also be, in a word,
dead.

No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when
men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine
what they will do when they get there:

Captain Kirk: My….GOD! Sulu! What….is….THAT?

Sulu: Its a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.

Kirk: And weve just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap,
Bones?

Bones: Damn it, Jim! Im a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!

Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, well be
too drunk to drive!

Spock: May I remind you, Captain, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race
of designated drivers.

Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I
will be out on the hull. With our mouths… open!

To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.

21
Oct

Female Hormones in Beer

Two men were in a pub.
One man said, Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
The other man said, No! Is it true? Yes, said the first man. If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.

21
Oct

Strange work

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

I cant stand this, said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging?

Well, we work for the county, one of the men said.

But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money?

You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now, just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean that Mike and me cant work and earn our pay.

21
Oct

Blonde quickies 221-230

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…

222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself oh well ! and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, Good thing I had my mouth open, or that wouldve hit me right in the face!!! Or: Good thing that cows dont fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. Miss, may I see your drivers licence please?

Drivers licence? Whats that?… Its a little card with your picture on it.

Oh, duh! Here it is… May I have your car insurance?

Whats that?… Its a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

Oh this? Duh! Here you go… The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

21
Oct

More lifesaver needed in our Gene pool

You!!! Out of the gene pool!!!

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG

A tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didnt know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, Crook, come forward. Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.

AHH, THATS BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went a little bit too far in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

21
Oct

My Prayer

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider peoples feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though theyre usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th — Look, a bird — ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, Ill settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen



Received from Jerard Muszik.

20
Oct

Knock Knock Whos there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yoda le

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yoda le lee whoo!

20
Oct

Reason to stay at work all night

2. Find a way to change everyones password to chrysanthemum.

20
Oct

Geology word plays

Several short geology plays on words

Okay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!

And if you are not pleased with the persons statement, you may resort to the old:

Thats not gneiss!