24
Jan

Vet

A man runs into the vets office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.""$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man…."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

24
Jan

Dumb blonde in a bar

A blonde chick walks into a bar, sits down and starts watching the TV. Theres a guy on the news thats going to jump off a building, so the guy sitting beside her says 10 bucks says he jumps.

The blonde replied, Sure, Ill take that bet.

The guy on the news jumps, so she pays the guy sitting beside her his 10 dollars.

He laughs and says, Hey, I feel too bad taking advantage of you. I saw it on the 5:00 news.

She replies Its OK I saw it on the 5:00 news too, but I just didnt think hed do it again.

24
Jan

Challenging Order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!



The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!

24
Jan

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs dont cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs dont care if you play with other dogs. Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs dont mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it. Dogs dont shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dogs disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dogs parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs dont hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs dont worry about germs. Dogs dont want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. Theyre ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs dont borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when youre drunk. Dogs cant talk. Dogs arent catty.

24
Jan

Lost in the Supermarket

A man approached a beautiful young woman in the supermarket and asked,You know, Ive managed to lose my wife. Can I talk to you for a minute?Why? the woman replied.Because my wife seems to turn up out of nowhere whenever I talk to a beautiful woman.

24
Jan

Blond Guy and HIs Lunch

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch Im gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich Im goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish mans wife said, Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didnt like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexicans wife then said, If I only knew he didnt like burritos, I would have packed something else. Finally, the blonde mans wife siad I dont know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.

24
Jan

Learning to Pick Up Toys

Dad: Look at this room. Its a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?

Mom: When they have kids!

24
Jan

Alaskan Pun about an eye doctor

Q: What do you call an eye doctor who lives on an island in the Bering Sea?

A: An optical Aleutian.

24
Jan

How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that its electric.

23
Jan

Un individuo se acerca a

Un individuo se acerca a la barra de un bar y el camarero le pregunta:

¿Qué va a ser?

El tío responde muy serio, Arquitecto, voy a ser arquitecto.

El camarero sorprendido repite la pregunta de otra manera y le dice, Quiero decir que ¿Qué desea?

¡Hombre! deseo terminar la carrera en 5 años.

El camarero se empieza a mosquear y le dice, No me ha entendido. ¿Qué va usted a tomar?

¡Ah sí!. Pues no sé ¿Qué hay?

El camarero responde:

Pues ya ves, aquí… de camarero, vamos tirando. No se gana mucho pero hay cosas peores.