23
May

Tricky Questions

Does it hurt to crack a joke?
Did you ever have measles – and if so – how many?
Do they have coffee breaks in tea companys?
Do you call a plumbers assistant a drainee?
Do you know why days break and night falls?

23
May

What do you call a dog…

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!

23
May

COYOTE vs ACME

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff

-vs.-

Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory.

Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, Defendant), through that companys mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmens Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyotes forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyotes body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.

Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to a poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme Little Giant Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.

Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyotes prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate prior to its release by Mr. Coyote.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyotes careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendants product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.

2. Sooty discoloration.

3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.

4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.

5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiffs Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this products sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyotes prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyotes prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendants product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyotes body tissues–a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyotes pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyotes work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendants products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorneys fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

-CYA on da hillz

23
May

Buying the Farm…

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, No… the bees never touched me – but doesnt that calf have a mother!?!

23
May

State of the loo report

The annual Toilet Paper Report has rolled around again.

The report, from Quilted Northern tissue, says three out of five respondents prefer toilet paper be dispensed from over the top of the roll.

Also: The average American makes six trips to the bathroom a day.

The average mans visit lasts about seven minutes, vs. about eight minutes for women.

23
May

Johnny Cannot Tell a Lie

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, I bet you I can push my fathers outhouse into the river. She didnt agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was never tell a lie. After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, Son, did you push my outhouse into the river? Johnny said, Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did. His dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnnys rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked his father,Dad, why did you whoop me? I didnt lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didnt lie about it, and he didnt get a whooping. Johnnys dad looked at him and said, Son, I bet George Washingtons dad wasnt sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?

23
May

5 secrets to romantic happiness

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesnt lie.

4. It is important to find a man whos good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet

23
May

Guide to buy a man gifts!

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word

ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet? OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet? Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldnt have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Im told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says some assembly required on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent mens stores. It doesnt matter if he doesnt know what it is. From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isnt this a starter for a 68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.

Rule #11

Men enjoy danger. Thats why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts. Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you dont know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:

Its hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 manilla rope. No one knows why.

23
May

Politically incorrect kindergarden

Its getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.

Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?

Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.

Teacher: Thats very good. Ill let you go a bit early, if you can spell pit.

Johnny: P-I-T, miss.

Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?

Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.

Teacher: Ill let you go if you can spell sand.

Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.

Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?

Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldnt let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think its blatent racial discrimination.

Teacher: Well, if you can spell racial discrimination…

23
May

How come they dont let

How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?

Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.

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