15
Dec

Mens Thesaurus

The new Mens Thesaurus – on sale now at your local book stores!:

IM GOING FISHING

Means: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING

Means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Means: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR…

Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Means: I have no idea how it works.

I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.

Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Means: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Means: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.

Means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely

clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Means: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

Means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

Means: Please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.

Means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

15
Dec

wonder why

Q:why did hitler kill himself after world war two?


A:because he got the gas bill

15
Dec

Collected airplane humor

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines …

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee….

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

United Airlines FA: Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines wed like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called touchdown.

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Overheard by a guy giving rides: Sorry about the rough landing, but Im practicing for a job at SAS. Next time Ill try to lose your luggage.

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasnt the pilots fault, and it wasnt the planes fault … it was the asphalt.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline.

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no said the pilot, Maam, what is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

15
Dec

How the Angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of December. The elves in the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and now there was the possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.

Daily life at the North Pole was not pleasant, and Santa Claus was in a pretty foul mood. Mrs. Claus was suffering from arthritis and was very mad over the fact that her red velvet cake had fallen in the oven. Santa had tried to round up some extra helpers, but with no snow, they werent able to make it by sleigh to the workshop.

Rudolph had a bad cold, and his nose wouldnt light up. Comet and Prancer were fighting over Vixen, who had just come into heat. Blitzens right foreleg was still in a cast, and the vet said that they would have to wait until 24 December to decide if Blitzen would be able to pull the sleigh.

The electricity went off, and all the power tools came to a stop. There was NOTHING going right in Santas workshops. The helpers were about three weeks behind in their work, and it didnt look that all the toys would be ready by Christmas Eve. Santas foul mood was exacerbated by a bad case of hemorrhoids, and he wasnt too happy about the possibility of having to ride so far on Christmas Eve.

Seeing the terrible state of affairs at the North Pole chez Santa, the angels took up an offering to buy a gift for the unhappy workers and the Clauses – something that would brighten their Christmas. They chose a Christmas tree, and they sent it down by an angel.

The angel burst into the workshop room and asked,

HEY, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS TREE?

15
Dec

Microsoft plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the government

PRESS RELEASE

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations. The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software, continued Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not available for comment.

15
Dec

Jim Jones

Why dont you hear any Jim Jones jokes anymore?

The punch lines are too long.

15
Dec

Procrastinators Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.

15
Dec

Yo mama so poor

Yo mama so poor that when she went she went to McDonalds she put a milkshake on layaway.

15
Dec

Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK…When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

15
Dec

A man went to the

A man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and afterwards the doctor sat him down and told him he needed to talk. He said I have bad news, and worse news – which one do you want to hear first?The patient says Well I guess give me the bad news first…Doctor replies, Youve got AIDS.Oh, no! What could be worse than that? asks the patient.Youve also got Alzheimers Disease.Looking relieved, the patient sits for a minute then says, Oh…Well, thats not so bad. At least I dont have AIDS.

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