19
Aug

A Blonde and a Brunette

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!” So the blonde looks up!

19
Aug

11th at August

A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.



The witch was stirring a pot of golfers brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.



A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.



The witch remembers him and asks, Hows your golf game? He responds, Fantastic! Then she says, Hows your sex life? He responds, Not bad…



The witch says Not Bad? What do you mean not bad?? The man says Twice last year. The witch says Most people think twice in a year is terrible.



The man answers Well its not bad for a priest in a small parrish.


19
Aug

Escaped Murderer

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15
years and was on the run. He broke into a house and
tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife
to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on
the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.
His wife started to move her head violently, at which
the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to
his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him
kissing you. He probably hasnt seen a woman in years.
Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever
you do dont fight him or make him mad. Our lives
may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out
her gag. "Im so relieved you feel that way.
He wasnt kissing me, he was whispering to me. He
told me he thinks youre really cute and asked if
we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

19
Aug

Picking on Chelsea Clinton :)

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He was very furious and said, Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!

Yes Sir, Mr. President, the interior decorator replies.

Ill take those mirrors out right away!

19
Aug

Ode to old soldier

Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of its own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now youve got a full time job to find the blasted thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang its little head and watch you tie your shoes.

(Beware the zorgonians are everywhere)

19
Aug

Great Jewish Movies never made!

Oy of the Beholder – Singles kvetch about their awful dates.



Girls, Interrupted – Womens section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).



The Seder House Rules – Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.



Angelas Kashas – Woman reveals secret recipes.



The Six Cents – Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.



Snow Falling on Seders – Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.



Supernova – Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.



Dreydel Will Rock – Chanukah toy comes alive.



Sleepy Hallah – On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.



Stuart Ladle – Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.



The Whole Nine Yids – Struggling shul waits for tenth.



The Green Mohel – Young man performs first circumcision



Mun on the Moon – Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.



Gonif with the Wind – A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.



The Putzman Rings Twice – A mohel murder mystery



Schnorer Rae – A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement



Balaboosta Cockburn – John Waynes wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook



The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly – A kosher noodle western



Moby Dreck – Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale



The Cincinnati Yid – Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation



Litvak Big Man – Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant



Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer – Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.



Bridge over the River Kvetch – The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips



The Creature from the Black Latke – An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster



Mamza Poppins – A talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy



The Matzo Candidate – Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking its always Passover



Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington – Jimmy Stewart thinks hes still filming Harvey



Driedls of the Lost Ark – Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games



Aleph Doesnt Live Here Anymore – Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found



Borscht-time for Bonzo – Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy monkey



Singing in the Chrain – Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella

19
Aug

He Was a Saint

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

19
Aug

Stuck phonograph record

I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.

The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.

One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.

Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.

19
Aug

the jewish mom

a jewish mom is walking to the store on her way there she finds a 100 dollar bill and go in the store to buy some jewish candy but she cant couse the cash is mexica money so she gets the candy and goes up to the cashier and says this is all i whant ok thatll be 2.50 so she gives the money to him and he says this is mexican money you stopid jew!

19
Aug

Spitfire

Whats black and white, black and brown, and black and black? A nun on a spit!

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