12
Nov

Blonde rowing in the field

There is a blonde in a boat, in the middle of a field, rowing away. Another blonde drives by in her car and sees the women, in the boat, in the field rowing away.

The blonde in the car stops, jumps out and yells, Hey you… Its women like you who give blondes a bad name!! And if I knew how to swim I would come out there and KICK YOUR ASS!!!

12
Nov

Monica & Bill Clinton

How is Monica Lewinsky like a soda machine?

Please Insert Bill.

12
Nov

Getting Old

Dear Maevis,

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesnt like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day Im really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, What am I here after?

Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!

Your good ole friend, Ethel

12
Nov

Damn bank

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account.

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!

Im very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank. The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

There is no damn problem, the man says. I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?

I see, says the manager, is this bitch giving you a hard time?

12
Nov

A couples life

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: I have great news for you. Pretty soon were going to be 3 in this house instead of just two.

The husband was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said: Im glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.

12
Nov

Satan Claus

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?
The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. Its probably just your dad.

12
Nov

Senior citizens being criticized for everything

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The religion out of school,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending, or

The ambition out of achievement.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at those old folks with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

And, unless many of our younger generation learn to count, in the absence of computers and calculators, they will be back to counting on fingers and toes.

Remember … Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?

12
Nov

Bathroom?

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. You cant make any noise, she warns him. My parents are upstairs and if they find out theyll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the mans bladder. I have to go, he says.

Well you cant go upstairs, its right next to my parents bedroom, she replies. Use the kitchen sink. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks… Do you have any toilet paper?

12
Nov

Which direction was it? (Adultish)

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.

12
Nov

A little fella walks into

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink.A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, I just did that.The big guy punched him in the mouth.