14
Dec

Llega Pepito a la escuela

Llega Pepito a la escuela con un ojo morado.

¿Qué te pasó?, le pregunta la maestra.

Es que en mi casa somos muy pobres y dormimos en la misma cama mi mami, mi papi, mi hermanito y yo; en la noche mi papi se subió en mi mami y decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh. Después me preguntó: ¿Hijo, estás dormido?, y yo le contesté: No, papi, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.

Esta noche quédate callado, le aconseja la maestra.

Al día siguiente, Pepito llega con el otro ojo morado y enseguida, la maestra le pregunta:

¿Por qué no te quedaste callado?

Es que, mire, maestra, nosotros muy pero muy pobres y mi papi se le subió a mi mamá y decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhha, y yo callado, maestra. Y luego más rápido: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado. Entonces mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja, me voy, me voy. Y yo le dije: Papi, llévame…, y ¡zas! Feroz combo.

Bueno, cuando tu papi le diga eso a tu mamá quédate callado.

Al día siguiente, llega el niño con la mano rota y enyesada y otra vez le cuenta a la maestra:

Es que somos muy pero muy pobres y mi papi otra vez encima de mamá y yo callado. Mi papi decía: Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh, y yo callado; entonces otra vez: Vieja, me voy, me voy, y yo callado, callado y, entonces, la cama se empezó a mover rapidito y mi hermanito, de rebote en rebote, se cayó de la cama y yo callado. En aquel momento, mi papi le dijo a mi mamá: Vieja ¿nos echamos el otro?, y yo le dije: No, papi, yo me bajo solito.

14
Dec

Un tipo entra a un

Un tipo entra a un sexshop buscando algo interesante. Entonces, ve algo que le llama la atención: unas gafas, pero no unas gafas ordinarias sino unas especiales que permiten ver a la gente desnuda; ¡totalmente desnuda! Así que llama al dependiente y le pregunta:

Señor, ¿estas gafas funcionan?

Claro que sí.

¿Y cuánto cuestan?

Quinientos dólares.

¡Quinientos dólares! No puede ser.

¿Quiere ver a la gente desnuda o no?

Bueno, está bien.

Cuando el hombre sale a la calle, todo el mundo está desnudo, los hombres están desnudos, ¡las mujeres están desnudas!

Al llegar a su casa, entra sin tocar y se dirige a su habitación; al entrar, ve a su mejor amigo y a su mujer desnudos en la cama. El hombre se ríe ruidosamente y luego se quita las gafas, pero su esposa y su mejor amigo siguen desnudos. Entonces exclama:

¡Malditos cerdos, quinientos dólares y ya se dañaron las gafas!

14
Dec

Politically Correct Statements

10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

9) He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.



He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.



7) He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.



6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.



5) He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.



4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.



3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.



2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.



1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

14
Dec

90 year old wanker

What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?



Miracle whip!

14
Dec

Ostrich in a Bar

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, Ill have a beer, and turns to the ostrich.



Whats yours?



Ill have a beer too says the ostrich.



The bartender pours the beer and says, That will be $3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, Ill have a beer, and the ostrich says, Ill have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.



This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.



Well, its close to last call, so Ill have a large scotch, says the man.



Same for me, says the ostrich.



That will be $7.20 says the bartender.



Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.



The bartender cant hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?



Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.



Thats brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!



Thats right! Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.



The bartender asks, One other thing, sir, whats with the ostrich?



The man replies My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

14
Dec

It seems that Hillary has

It seems that Hillary has taken charge of hiring new interns for the White
House?

She currently is looking to see if Lorena Bobbitt is available….

14
Dec

Diaper Change

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it good for up to 20 pounds.

14
Dec

Pintura

Uno del Lepe le dice a otro:

– Pepe, a ti te gusta la pintura?

Y le responde:

– Si pero más de un litro me sienta mal.

Joke found on http://www.maschistes.com

14
Dec

Political joke from Gore Vidal

From a Gore Vidal speech to the National Press Club carried on NPR:

I heard bad news on the way over here: the Ronald Reagan Presidential
Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a
total loss. Worse yet, he wasnt finished coloring the second one.

Kent

14
Dec

History of the 10 Commandments

This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. Whats a commandment? they asked. Well, its like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, No way. That would ruin our weekends.So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, Whats a commandment? Well, said God, its like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. The Assyrians immediately replied, No way. That would ruin our economy.So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, How much? God said, Theyre free. The Jews said, Great! Well take TEN!

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