13
Nov

Wheres the Calorie

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friends glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

Only one calorie per can, she read aloud.

Hmm, murmured the other blonde.

I wonder which glass has the calorie?

13
Nov

Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you.

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest.

Dont worry, Maria, said her mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs!

Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go up stairs and hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, said her mother.

This is a job for Mama.

13
Nov

Estaba un tipo sentado en

Estaba un tipo sentado en una banca del parque de la ciudad sin un cinco en el bolsillo y con unas ganas terribles de fumar. Desesperado estaba cuando se sienta un tipo en el extremo de la banca y se saca del bolsillo de saco un paquete nuevo de cigarrillos; lo abre, saca uno, lo enciende y se echa una bocanada de humo que se vé que lo saborea.

Nuestro amigo piensa que ya se acabaron sus problemas, por lo que decide pedir a su reciente acompañante un cigarrillo:

¿Me regalas un cigarro? le dice.

El recién llegado lo ve de pies a cabeza y fríamente responde:

No.

Desconcertado, el primero no sabe qué hacer ni decir, por lo que le propone:

¿Me dejas la mitad?

No, responde del modo más indiferente.

Desesperado, nuestro protagonista ruega:

¿Me permites un sorbo?

No, recibe como única respuesta nuestro infortunado amigo.

¿Me podrías regalar la colilla? se aventura a solicitar.

Como única respuesta recibe una mirada de desdén.

Y sin saber qué hacer, qué decir ni cómo convencerlo, se tira de rodillas desesperado al suelo con las manos juntas e implora:

¡QUÉMAME! ¡POR FAVOR, QUÉMAME!

13
Nov

Doctors v. Gun Owners

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188



Conclusion – Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

13
Nov

Boy, Officer & Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

Now listen here, the policeman said,

Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you

In that case, said the boy,

Ill kiss its butt and let it go

13
Nov

A black man is dying

A black man is dying of thirst in the desert when he finds a gennie in a bottle.
The gennie grants him three wishes.

He says First I want a lot of water, Second I want to be white,
and third I want a lot of pretty naked women to sit on me

When he came to he was a toliet at the Waldorf Astoria.

13
Nov

The statue (adult)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband enquired as he entered the room.

Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he whispered to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

13
Nov

Sub-standard School Systems

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or youll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: Youre 34 and youre the Principal!

13
Nov

Womens English

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"Im sorry." = Youll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"Its your decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want"  = Youllpay for this later.

"We need to talk"  = I needto complain.

"Sure… go ahead"  = I dontwant you to.

"Im not upset"  = Of courseIm upset, you moron!

"Youre … so manly"  = Youneed a shave and you sweat a lot.

"Youre certainly attentivetonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains"  = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

"Hang the picture there" = NO, Imean hang it there!

"I heard a noise"  = Inoticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?"  = Imgoing to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?"  =I did something today youre really not going to like.

"Ill be ready in a minute."  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?"  = Tell meIm beautiful.

"You have to learn tocommunicate."  = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me!?"  = [Too late, youre dead.]

"Was that the baby?" = Why dontyou get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

"Im not yelling!"  = Yes Iam yelling because I think this is important.

13
Nov

The Eight Days of Hanukkah

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


7 noodle kugels


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me


8 Alka- Seltzer


7 noodle kugels


6 pickled herrings


5 bowls of chicken soup


4 potato latkes


3 pounds of corned beef


2 Kosher pickles and


Lox, bagels and some cream cheese



PS: For the Israeli version, substitute:


1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot(grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 grapes