25
May

Drowning Lawyer

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

25
May

ABCP

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end Where is your P? The boy answered Running down my pants!!

25
May

The Great Healer

A preacher who advertised himself as a great healer set up a tent in a small rural town. That evening a man came in on crutches and said to him, Aint no doctor been able to cure my leg. Can you heal me? Whats your name brother? asked the preacher. Bob replied the man. Bob, you just go behind that red curtain. A moment later, another man walked in and said, S-s-sir, c-c-can you help m-m-me with m-m-my s-s-stuttering? Whats your name brother? asked the preacher. John replied the man. John, you just go behind that red curtain. After 10 minutes of frenzied preaching and praising, the healer threw his hands in the air, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and dramatically shouted, Bob, drop your crutches! John, say something! A few moments passed before a voice behind the curtain said, B-b-bob just f-f-fell on h-h-his b-b-butt.

25
May

What goes clop clop clop BANG clop clop clop?

An Amish Drive-by

25
May

Italianenglish?

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a
knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I
tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock
on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she calla me
sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the
manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you
no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on
you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I gonna back to Italy.

25
May

Top 11 ways to have fun while driving

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they dont understand you say Me no speak English10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say they made me do it!9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say Hey wait a minute. Youre not Dad!8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back Youre right. It IS 1 oclock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell Oh, its on, and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, im telling yo momma!3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down the windows and play classical music even louder.

25
May

Womens language translated

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry. = Youll be sorry.

We need… = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want… = You�ll pay for this later.

We need to talk… = I need to complain.

Sure…go ahead = I dont want you to.

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me Im beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youre dead.

Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to Whats wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = Its just that youre such an idiot!

25
May

Dogs and fleas

Good question…

Do dogs have fleas, or do fleas have dog?

hmmmm.

25
May

Arkansas Scholars

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Dont laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

25
May

In-Laws and Out-Laws

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

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