17
Aug

Road-killed lawyer

Q: Whats the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: Theres skid marks in front of the deer!

17
Aug

23 Things You Would Never Hear Your Wife Say

Ill swallow it all … I love the taste.
Are you sure youve had enough to drink?
Im bored. Lets shave my pussy?
Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Please do another one?
Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Youre so sexy when youre hung over.
Id rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
Lets subscribe to Hustler?
Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses?
Ill be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
Honey … our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
No, No Ill take the car and have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
I fully understand … our anniversary comes every year for Christs sake, you go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.
Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
Not the fucking mall again. Come on lets go to that new strip joint?
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
God … if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

17
Aug

Forty years of marriage

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! … the wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husbands turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his hearts desire.

He paused for a moment, then said, Well, honestly, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! … he was 90 years old.

17
Aug

No Irish Lawyers?

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them cant pass the bar!

17
Aug

Polaks Come Back To Fish

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, Well have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks, But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, Well just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says, You idiot! How do you know well get the same boat?

17
Aug

Turtle….pee!

A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter I think I will have the turtle soup. The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter Hold the turtle, make it pea

17
Aug

You Filthy F***ing Parrot

Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

17
Aug

Black Goat

Theres this white ecologist working with an African tribe, and one day the tribe elder comes to him and says, My wife just had just a baby, and its white. Youre the only white man within hundreds of miles of here.

The ecologist gulps and says, Well, some things in nature just cant be explained. Look at that herd of goats, for example. All of them are white except for that one black goat. This is probably like that.

Finally, the Tribe elder nods and says, Well, all right, Ill keep quiet about my white baby, if youll keep quiet about that black goat.

17
Aug

Redneck Grocrey

If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.

17
Aug

Creation of the animals and the man

God created the mule, and told him, You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered, To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.

The dog responded, Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.

The monkey responded, Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

The man responded, Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so …

Page 8 of 3,798« First...678910...203040...Last »