13
Nov

Im not fishing!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing? Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind or what? Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her. But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that? But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up. If you do that, I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman. I didnt even touch you, grouses the sheriff. Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

13
Nov

Not A Knock-Knock Joke

Whats wrong with this joke?

Knock! Knock!

Whos there?

DEA!

13
Nov

Ugly

I saw someone that looked like you, but then the dog turned around.

13
Nov

Squeezing the lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

13
Nov

Dead End

Three women friend, one jewish and two gentiles, are killed in a fatal traffic accident. They arrive together in Heaven at the Pearly Gates and are met by St Peter.



St. Peter to the first woman Name?


First Woman Jane Smith


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right



St. Peter to the second woman Name?


Second Woman Ann Jones


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right



St. Peter to the third woman Name?


Third Woman Rachel Rabbinowitz


St. Peter Enter the red door on the left


Third woman Hold on a minute St Peter. Ive been the best of friends with the other two women for the past thirty years ever since my husband died, in which time weve gone everywhere together and done everything together, even died together in the same crash and now your sending us of seperately. Why cant I go with my two pals so that we can still be together?


St Peter Dont you want to get your hair done first!!!

13
Nov

Faster than Ferrari GTO

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?

The young man replies, A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!

Thats a lot of money, says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside?

Sure, replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, Thats a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, Youre badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man moans and replies, Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!

13
Nov

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

13
Nov

Fishy Talk

Q: How to communicate with a fish?

A: Drop him a line!

13
Nov

New Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds, or Hales!

12
Nov

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we dont do livestock.