13
Feb

The Funeral Dance

There was a great loss today in theentertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What wasreally horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in….Well, you know the rest.

13
Feb

On Sale Now!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person How much are the washer and dryer?

Five dollars for both of them, the salesman said.

Yeah right, youve got to be kidding me! the man replied sarcastically.

No, thats the price, the salesman said, Do you want to buy them or not?

Yeah, Ill take them! the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. How much? he asked.

Five dollars for the system, the salesman answered.

Is it stolen? the guy asks.

No, said the salesman, Its brand new, do you want it or not?

Sure, the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. How much?

Five dollars, was the familiar response.

Ill take that too! the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,

Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said, Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What hes doing to her, Im doing to his business!

13
Feb

Killer

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

13
Feb

Lawyer Jokes

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. Show him right in! our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and
shouts into it …and you tell them that we wont accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and dont even call me until you agree to that amount!
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?

Im from the phone company, Mr. Jones replied, Im here to connect your
phone.

13
Feb

Engineer Cookie Recipe

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

13
Feb

Redneck Jokes joke #10984

You think country and western are the two kinds of music.

You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

You think paprika is a third-world country.

Dinner may or may not have tire tracks on it.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

People think youre having a yard sale….and youre not.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

You own a waffle house credit card.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

13
Feb

Keep A Man From Wanting Sex

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?

You marry him!

13
Feb

Charging Your Patients

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarians office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room and carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, Im sorry, but this bird is dead.The man began to cry, No! No! That cant be true! I want another opinion.The vet thought a second, then said, Okay, and left for the back office. He returned with a black Labrador retriever. The black Lab sniffed the bird and finally gave a low woof sound and looked up at the vet. The vet said to the man, The dog thinks that the bird is dead too.The man said, I dont believe it! I want another opinion!The vet then left with the black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table and the cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged the bird again and again. Finally the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird.The vet said, The cat thinks its dead too.The man sighed and said, I guess youre right. How much do I owe you?The vet said, That will be $2,000 please.The horrified man said, Two thousand bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? Thats ridiculous! Thats outrageous!The vet then said, Well, I was going to charge you just fifty bucks, but then I had to include the Lab fees and the Cat scan!

13
Feb

Jobs and Work joke #11019

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

13
Feb

A sort of Christmas carol

A Sort Of Christmas Carol

(To the tune of Silver Bells)

Jingle bell, its not so swell when you cant afford a gift.
Shopping malls are hollow halls, Im shopping at the Thrift.

See the pawnshops, hear the teeth crunch, in nightmarish anxiety.
In the air theres a feeling of hopelessness.

Checks were cashing, then were dashing, off to spend, its so obscene.
Hoping for more overtime.

Jingle Bell, what is that smell, oh, its Hillarys toe.
Ringaling, is a circus thing, and were all part of the show.

People bitching, salesman pitching, theres no reason to smile.
For this I parked and had to walk a mile.

Dodge shopping carts at Wal-Marts, filled with Japanese trash.
In the Express Line price-checks and no cash.

Jingle Bell, can go to hell, Do not give to the poor.
For if you do, soon youll need it too, and there wont be anymore.