Liz to you

Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat.
She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor… Liz to you.
Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you.


Bike in a ditch …

Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?

A: Ones a bike in a ditch, and the others…


Lawyer Joke

Whats the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician.


Three AM comes around and

Three AM comes around and Hillary tries to wake up Bill.Bill mumbles What?Hillary gives him another shake.Im sleeping. says Bill, and he falls back asleep.Finally Hillary pushes him out of bed. Bill gets up off the floor and says OK, Im up! What do you want?I have to go to the bathroom. says Hillary.You mean you woke me up at three in the morning just to tell me you had to go to the bathroom!?No, says Hillary, I just want you to save my spot


The little puppy

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail,he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head——

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!


Dead Cow & The Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?

Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?


Engineer vs. Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."You must be an engineer" says the balloonist."I am" replies the man. "How did you know.""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone."The man below says "you must be in management.""I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."


A Single Tree Theory

Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA

The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.

The ominous parallels cant be denied:

William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA.

An Aspen is a kind of tree.
The word Tahoe is Native American for tree.

Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ Kennedy at the last Republican.
Kennedy had a secretary named Loni–which rhymes, sort of, with Sonny.

Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just share.
Bono was once married to Cher.

Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.

Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
Bono had a daughter named, ironically, Chastity.

These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there werent two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men? The obvious answer is the powerful enforcement arm of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50s, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bonos House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, I dont know what the heck youre talking about.


Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.


What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


Dumb Jew

A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops

the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.

The Jew asks how do i know?

Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?

Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.

Page 8 of 3,798« First...678910...203040...Last »