13
Dec

Knock Knock Whos there? Tom Sawyer! Tom Sawyer

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tom Sawyer!
Tom Sawyer who?
Tom Sawyer underwear!

13
Dec

Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The disturbance turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. Whats more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, Ill bet that youre also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.

The giant nodded.

If I had some chains, the deputy continued, you could show us how strong you really are. But all Ive got is a set of handcuffs. Why dont you see just how quickly you can break out of them?

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. I cant get out of these, the giant growled.

Are you sure? the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. Nope, he replied. I cant do it.

In that case, said the deputy, youre under arrest.

13
Dec

Dos gays se encuentran y

Dos gays se encuentran y uno le dice al otro:

Estoy aburrido, hay que jugar a algo.

El otro le responde:Juguemos a las espadas.

Entonces los dos se bajan los pantalones y con las vainas arriba empiezan a jugar.

Después de un rato uno se voltea, se agacha y le dice al otro:

Ya me aburrí, ¡mátame!

13
Dec

Fallen

Theres this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, if I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit! Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.



Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, I dont know what youre laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.

13
Dec

Divert Your Course

This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.



Canadians:

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.



Canadians:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



Canadians:

This is a lighthouse. Your call.

13
Dec

Two guys fishing

Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. Ha Ha said the other guy, were out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing. No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guys delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, you want to try this? His friend looks at the fish then at him and says well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.

13
Dec

Knock Knock Whos there? Maxwell! Maxwell who? Maxwell call

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!

13
Dec

Olympic city bribery

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayors office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldnt think the term New York City Hospitality Committee is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.

3. Miss Salt Lake for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

13
Dec

Dont look at me in

Dont look at me in that tone of voice!

13
Dec

DP Man

DP Man
(sung to the tune Piano Man by Billy Joel)

Its eight oclock on a Monday,
The programming crowd staggers in,
Theres a user by my terminal,
With drool running off of his chin.
He says, Son, can you code me some processing,
Im not really sure what I want,
But its short and its sweet and its NP-complete
And it has to be finished by lunch.

Chorus:

They say, Write us some code, youre the DP man,
Write us some code today,
Cause we need this report for the CEO,
And he wants it by yesterday.

Now, Tim at the consoles a friend of mine,
He bumps up my priority,
And hell bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
But theres someplace that hed rather be.
He said, Paul, I believe its a dead-end here,
As the smile ran away from his face,
But Im sure I could find work with IBM,
If I could get out of this place.

Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
Whose license is riding on luck,
And hes talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
Well, its pretty good code for a Monday,
And my team leader gives me a smirk,
Cause he knows that its me theyll be coming to see,
When they find out that it didnt work.

And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
And the CRT screams like a jet,
And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
And say, Man, aint they fixed that thing yet ?
And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
As the patches and kludges pile up,
Cause this place is a hackers own paradise:
Its a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

Greg Gerke

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