17
Aug

You have ever had to

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

17
Aug

I cant find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, I cant find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

In that case, said the patient, Ill come back when youre sober

17
Aug

Q: How many terrorists does

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

17
Aug

Don Pedro estaba acongojado. No

Don Pedro estaba acongojado. No sabía como explicarle a su mujer que tenía una amante.

Un día visita a un consejero matrimonial, el cual le dice:

La mejor forma de decirle que la estás engañando, es llegar a tu casa, y de inmediato le empiezas a hacer el amor, y cuando estés en el climax de la relación, le dices que tienes una amante.

Don Pedro se va contento para su casa y apenas llega agarra a su mujer y le empieza a puro dar, y cuando llega al climax le dice:

Amor, tengo otra.

A lo que ella responde:

¡METEMELA POR ATRAS TONTITO!

17
Aug

Una pareja de maricas sostiene

Una pareja de maricas sostiene el siguiente diálogo:

Si tú no hubieras sido homosexual, ¿qué te hubiera gustado ser?

Pues yo hubiera querido ser torero para pararme en la mitad de una plaza con un pantalón bien apretadito, con el que se me viera lindo el trasero, y que todos los que me miraran en la tribuna, sacaran un pañuelo blanco y gritaran: ¡rabo, rabo! Vitoreando mi hermosa cola. ¿Y a ti, qué te hubiera gustado ser?

Yo hubiera querido ser ambulancia.

¿Ambulancia? ¿Pero tú estás loca, para qué ambulancia?

Pues para estar todo el tiempo en cuatro; que me abrieran el culo de par en par; me metieran un hombre completo y salir gritando por toda la ciudad: ¡Uhhh, uuuhhh!

17
Aug

Blonde AND Polish!

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.



The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.



She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.



So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.



Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!



Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!



No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

17
Aug

Go give us a donation

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said Its Al Gore. Hes up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

Donations! I said, How much you got so far?

He said about ten gallons.

17
Aug

Driving exams worry me

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Dont worry about it. Youll pass eventually.

Liz: Im the examiner!

17
Aug

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.

17
Aug

What do get when you cross a refrigerator with a stero?

Cool music.

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