Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 510, brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Dont call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 510; over 40 years old, 68, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 60, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.

Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it when you little bastards are naked.

If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant. Will travel. Lets be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.