30
Mar

Politically Correct UNIX

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with
the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come
up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC – that is,
the Politically Correct.
System VI Release notes
Utilities

man pages are now called person pages.
Similarly, hangman is now the
person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime.
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the cat command
is now merely domestic_quadruped.
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for yes – reflecting
the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a no command, along with a
-f[orce] option which will crash the entire system if the no is
ignored.
The bias of the mail command is obvious, and it has been replaced
by the more neutral gendre command.
The touch command has been removed from the standard distribution
due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
compress has been replaced by the lightweight feather command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via tar and feather.
The more command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable less
command.
The biodegradable KleeNeX displaces the environmentally unfriendly
LaTeX.

Shell Commands

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the kill command has been
renamed euthanise.
The nice command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be nice. In
System VI, the sue command is used by unprivileged users to get for
themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
history has been completely rewritten, and is now called herstory.
quota can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The abort() function is now called choice().

Terminology

From now on, rich text will be more accurately referred to as
exploitive capitalist text.
The term daemons is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as spiritual guides.
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between dumb and
smart terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, normal video (as opposed to reverse video) was
white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI
now uses regressive video to refer to white on black, while
progressive video can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of root
and his wheel oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
Peoples Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed PC – for Procreatively
Challenged.

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