If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Im desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh….I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us were schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, dont you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?