Real Programmers

Real programmers dont eat quiche. Real programmers dont even know how to spell
Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers dont write application programs. They program right down to the bare
Application programs are for dullards who cant do system programming.
Real programmers dont write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get.
They are lucky to get any program at all.
Real programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand and even harder to modify.
Real programmers dont draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Real programmers dont read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the
novice and the coward.
Real programmers dont use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
Real programmers dont use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real programmers dont use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure mommas boys who cant choose
between Cobol and Fortran.
Real programmers dont use BASIC. In fact, no programmers use BASIC
after reaching puberty.
Real programmers dont use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real programmers dont use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than
actual code.
Real programmers dont use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science
languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. its
because they were up all night.
Real programmers dont play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes.
Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work
in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for
compulsive, pre-maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and
carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Real programmers dont like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are
the Chief Programmer.
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers
are for
dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for
pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
Real programmers dont drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up
trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Real programmers dont believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers
firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven.
Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what
job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read
Puppy architects wont allow execute instructions to address another execute as
the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.
Real programmers dont bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they
eat it. If the vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending
machines dont sell quiche.

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